Chapter 6
He needed to find her but where he didn’t know. There had to be something in her room that she’d left for him to find. Something! Anything? That was when he spotted a small piece of paper neatly folded on the left bedside table - the side he always slept on. He sat on the bed and took a deep breath as he opened the piece of paper.
He was apprehensive as he read her words. She’d written:
“As I write this your out there somewhere with your fiancée and for some reason that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart to know that you’ve chosen her over me in this silent war. The silent war which has been slowly playing out during this past year between us all. But despite my hurt I can see and understand why you have chosen her. She never lied to you the way I have. She never had your baby with the intention of never telling you like the way I have.
Something which I never had any intention of doing either but I did. Hurting you was something I never ever intended to do but I did. It just happened. It’s funny because all I have ever wanted was a child and to be a mother. Despite all my success I was never truly happy because I didn’t have a child to call my own. I wasn’t a mother in the true sense of the word. Sure I was considered the mother to the Idol contestants but they weren’t really my children.
And so the day I saw the positive sign from the pregnancy test, telling me I was truly pregnant it was the best and worst day of my life at the same time. I was finally pregnant, finally I was to be a mother but you were the father. You, a man who was involved with another was the father of my baby.
For me to come clean to the world about it then and there would have been sheer stupidity. I can literally imagine the things they would have said and written about me. Whore? Slut? Slapper? Relationship wrecker? I can think of my many more.
Basically I had to leave. I had to get out of there before something stupid happened. You are now free to start a family with Mezhgan. Free to marry her and start a family. You are free to do all the things me and Alexia were stopping you from doing.
Alexia and I are going back to LA without you. All that I ask is that you leave us alone. You do not contact us in anyway, shape or form. I don’t intend to reveal to the world the truth of Alexia’s paternity. I do however intend to tell them that Daniel is her father. I’ll tell them he was my donor or something. That is it. You don’t have to worry about me tainting your precious reputation.
I’m setting you free.”
“Setting me free?” he questioned. What did she mean by that? How could she set him free when he wasn’t hers to see free? That was it! He rushed out of the room, grabbing his keys he ran to car where he quickly sped off into the early afternoon sun.
He could feel a thousand emotions whirling around inside of him. It was making him nauseous. There was one emotion which seemed constant and strong. One emotion which as he slowly realised what it was, the others faded away into the darkness leaving only that one emotion.
He felt the love surround and conquer him as he stood away and watched his daughter and her mother playing silently by the duck pond near his mothers home. It was their secret place. No one else went there which is why she was there. It was safe. It was in that moment as he watched Paula placing a kiss upon their daughters forehead that he loved her.
He felt himself smile as she looked up from Alexia to see him walking towards them. Despite the look she was giving him his smile grew even wider as Alexia spotted him and began to crawl in his direction. He met her half way and scooped her up into his arms before he moved closer to Paula and sat down slowly onto the grass.
“Why are you here?” she whispered. “I told you to leave us alone. Why didn’t you listen?”
“I didn’t listen because you are not my boss!” he hissed softly. “You do not have the right to dictate my life. I have already lost too much because of you and I’ll be damned if I lose anymore!”
“Leave us!”
“No!” he snapped back. “I’m staying right here with my family. I’m not going anywhere!”
“Your family?” she whispered as she for the first time turned to look him in the eye.
“Yes. My family,” he replied. “Mezhgan and I are friends nothing more. We realised that there was just to many things working against us. I love her but not the way I should. Not the way I love you.”
“The way you love me?” she said smiling as she leaned forward so that she could place a kiss upon his lips.
“Yes. The way I love you,” he whispered as he returned the kiss. “Thank you for setting me free.”
The words which had been unspoken for so long had now finally been spoken.
Saturday, 27 November 2010
Unspoken Words.
Chapter 5 -
“Oh God!” The two of them sprung apart as if they were a child who’d been caught with their hand in the cookie jar. The four corners of the room were now occupied by four equally stunned people. The four of them stood silent and unsure of what to say, what to do when suddenly a small cry broke through via the baby monitor that was situated on the table by the sofa.
“Alexia,” he whispered, glancing briefly at the woman in the room before he rushed out of the room and up the stairs leaving Paula alone with Mezhgan and Julie.
She felt as if she were sitting in an interrogation room, a thousand lights shining down on her as the two woman stared silently at her, their gazes were piercing and searching for answers to the many questions that now plagued and consumed them. Mezhgan’s stare was blank, her eyes showing a little hurt as she gazed at Paula. Paula could tell that she was trying compute everything she’d just seen and heard when suddenly Simon’s voice broke through the silence.
“Daddy is here princess, so you needn’t cry any longer. Shush,” he cooed, his voice soft and loving as it took on a tone which was all too familiar to those downstairs. It was a tone they’d all heard or used. It was a tone a parent spoke in when they were speaking to a child, usually their child.
If was If she could see Mezhgan’s heart shattering and breaking inside of her as Simon appeared on the stairs, a sleepy-looking Alexia in his arms. She was softly babbling to herself, holding onto her father tightly as he descended the stairs which lead them into the living room. He moved to stand next to Paula, his gaze focused on the person who was his fiancée.
“Her name is Alexia,” he began, swallowing repeatedly. “She is… well… she is.”
“She’s our daughter,” Paula said, stepping in when she could see that he was unable to say it. Unable to break the news to his fiancée. Julie had already known about her granddaughter she’d just never met her. The risk of the world finding out, of Mezhgan finding out had been too great. “It’s not what you thin-”
“You bastard!” Mezhgan screamed hurling engagement ring, narrowly avoiding Simon as she rushed out of the house.
He stood staring at the door as Julie moved towards him, her eyes full of unshed tears as for the first time since Alexia had been born, she was here in the flesh. She was actually here. He wordlessly allowed his mother to take Alexia into her arms, to move and sit down on the sofa. He turned to watch his daughter placing a kiss upon her grandmothers cheek before she snuggled into her where she promptly fell back to sleep.
He’d shut himself off from her again she could tell by the look in his eyes or lack thereof. The second the ring had come off of Mezhgan’s finger he’d shut down again, he’d shut her out. She watched with great sadness as he made sure he was sat on the side of his mother that she wasn’t occupying.
She didn’t know what to do, what to feel or say as he excused himself citing ‘work’ and promptly shut himself away in his office. She merely nodded her head in agreement as Julie offered to put Alexia back to bed, she wasn’t really aware as Julie took her hand and led her upstairs and into her room whilst she placed Alexia back in Simon’s room.
Julir didn’t know what it was that made Paula cry but she cried. Julie watched her cry harder and longer than she’d ever seen her cry before. She was truly pained as her tears fell and fell until they could fall no more. Paula had fallen asleep after some time had passed. How much time she didn’t know but she could definitely see that Paula was exhausted from all the pain and she needed him; he needed her.
And so after Paula had definitely fallen asleep she went in search of her son. The son she knew would be in great pain, how greater pain she soon found out when she knocked on the office door to see him asleep at his desk, his cheeks stained with his tears as he held a photo of his father in his hand. His sleeping face bore the same expression as Paula. He looked tired, tired and pained.
Aside from the fact she knew he would wake up feeling psychically pained from the position he was sleeping in, she knew he needed face a few demons whether he liked it or not and so she shook him awake. She shook him gently until he opened his eyes, her heart melted when his tired eyes focused on her just like he did when he’d been a small boy except this time he was a grown man. But he was a grown man who nonetheless needed those who loved him.
“Mum?” he whispered, his voice hoarse from the sleep and tears. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing son,” she whispered. Just before she disappeared out of his office she indicted with her finger for him to follow her. She raised her finger indicting he wasn’t to say a word as she led them into Paula’s room where she was still sleeping soundly on the bed. “I am going to sleep in your bed and make sure Alexia is ok whilst you and Paula are to share this bed. No arguments, she said, kissing his cheek softly before leaving the room, leaving him standing there in total disbelief.
He knew better than to argue with his mum. Aside from him never winning the argument, she was his mother and he’d never be so disrespectful especially after his father had died. He carefully stripped Paula down so that she was wearing her dress, he’d removed all the clunky clothing and jewellery, her shoes before he gently manoeuvred her under the covers.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered after he’d stripped down to his underwear and he too had climbed under the covers. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead before turning his body so his back was facing her where he promptly fell asleep.
*
“Paula?” she turned to face Amy who was looking at her with an expression of concern. She had been staying with Amy for over five months which meant that she was currently six months pregnant with hers and Simon’s baby. Baby girl or baby boy? She didn’t know because she’d hadn’t wanted to find out. She had wanted it to be a surprise. Ever since she’d been aware of how babies were really made she’d said to herself that if she ever had a baby she would want to be unaware of her babies gender. She liked the idea of not knowing, of finding out when the baby was born.
“Yeah?” she asked.
“Are you ok? I mean really ok?” Amy asked as she moved to join Paula on the sofa. “Your quiet. Almost weirdly quiet.”
“I can’t stop thinking about him,” she whispered softly in reply. “I can’t stop thinking about the father and what I must be doing to him by being here. I can’t go back right now, I know that but it just hurts so much to think that I just upped and left. I left everyone and everything that mattered to me behind! All because I couldn’t handle the fact that I had gotten knocked up by who knocked me up!”
“Come here,” Amy whispered as she pulled an almost sobbing Paula into her arms.
“He’s engaged to another woman for crying out loud! He’s engaged to another woman and he knocked me up! Yes he knocked me up before they got together but how do you tell a man who is serious with another that you, you are pregnant with his child? You can’t without causing some serious, maybe irreparable damage. Which is why I decided to do what I have done because when I return he’ll hate me so much he’ll never want to talk or see me again, which means that I won’t have to worry about him discovering my little secret,” she said, placing her hand over her stomach as her unborn child made her presence known with a swift kick.
“I’m sorry baby,” she whispered, the reality of what she’d done truly settling into her mind as her unborn baby kicked. She was depriving her child of a father.*
She awoke slowly, wiping away the sleep from her eyes as her dream was still fresh in her mind. The dream which plagued her frequently. The dream which was a reality. “What?” she whispered as she registered the weight pressing upon her. She looked down to see that some of that reality was laying in bed with her asleep. Asleep as he had an arm wrapped around her whilst his head was nestled safely upon her breasts. Simon was in the same bed as her and he was nestled close and intimately to her.
She was puzzled for a moment until she looked up at the door to see a smiling Julie holding Alexia. She must have planned something. “She is truly a clever, clever woman.” she mused as Julie placed Alexia on Paula’s stomach where she quickly mentioned she was making breakfast before leaving the little family all on their own.
She had to stifle a laugh when Alexia spotted Simon and immediately got the look upon her face which usually meant she wanted to play but obviously Simon couldn’t play. He was asleep. A fact which was quickly rectified by Alexia who swiftly and decisively grabbed a hold of her sleeping fathers nose and pulled on it hard.
“Ow!” Simon growled in annoyance as he was rudely awakened by who he did not know. “Oh,” he whispered, his face lighting up with a smile as he spotted his baby girl staring at him, her face mirroring his smile. “Hello darling,” he smiled as she placed a swift kiss upon his cheek.
She smiled despite herself when she saw his face blush furiously once he released who he was snuggled against. She kept her face neutral despite her body yearning for his warmth to return once he moved away from her, and situated Alexia so that he was sitting against the headboard with her resting against his knees.
They were enjoying such an intimate, perfect moment. She knew that she’d never felt as happy as she did in that moment. She was happy until he spoke.
“I need to talk to her. I have to speak to her,” he said.
She never got the chance to reply as Julie shouted up the stairs telling them that breakfast was ready.
*
He was early. A rare instance he mused whilst he waited for his fiancée to arrive. Well he doesn’t know what she was to him anymore after last night. He’d taken his mother home before phoning Mezhgan asking her if they could talk. And so here he was sitting in a restaurant waiting for her to arrive.
He smiled as he noticed her walking towards him. “Hi,” he said as she took a seat opposite him. “I just want to say that I am so, so sorry for all of this. I honestly never meant to hurt you. I love you.”
“I know you do Simon but we both know that we don’t love one another enough,” Mezhgan said as she removed her sunglasses. “I just want to know one thing. Was Alexia conceived once you and I were together?”
“No,” he said. “It was one night shortly before you and I got together. I was over at Paula’s we were watching movies and drinking wine when one thing led to another. We slept together and obviously we made a baby. But that was it. I never saw her again for nine months.”
“I don’t hate you Simon. I honestly don’t but I know in my heart that this was the final nail in the coffin that was our relationship. You’ve have a child and you never told me. I was supposed to become your wife and you hid this from me. I know there is a reason why you have hidden this from me but I don’t want to hear it right now. I just want to move on with my life.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered once more.
“I know you are Simon. I know you are. I’ll continue to pretend we are an item for as long as you need us to pretend. Just know that I love you and I will always love you. Goodbye,” she whispered softly before leaving to process his thoughts alone.
*
“Where the hell is she?” he said aloud to himself as he stood in the hallway. He’d called her name expecting her to magically appear like she always did but this time there was no answer. The only sounds he could hear were coming from himself; his heavy breathing and the furious beating of his heart as it thumped rapidly against his ribs.
He raced upstairs to the room where Paula had been staying only to find it empty so he rushed in a flurry of panic to his own room which was deserted too. He was about to turn away when suddenly he spotted something on the floor by his bed. As he moved closer he saw that it was Alexia’s bear. The bear that she slept with nightly.
“They’ve gone,” he whispered brokenly. "Mezhgan." The name hit him like a ton of bricks. She'd left. She'd left and taken their baby girl because of Mezhgan. She thought he was choosing Mezhgan. He just didn't understand why it upset her when he wasn't hers to claim.
“Oh God!” The two of them sprung apart as if they were a child who’d been caught with their hand in the cookie jar. The four corners of the room were now occupied by four equally stunned people. The four of them stood silent and unsure of what to say, what to do when suddenly a small cry broke through via the baby monitor that was situated on the table by the sofa.
“Alexia,” he whispered, glancing briefly at the woman in the room before he rushed out of the room and up the stairs leaving Paula alone with Mezhgan and Julie.
She felt as if she were sitting in an interrogation room, a thousand lights shining down on her as the two woman stared silently at her, their gazes were piercing and searching for answers to the many questions that now plagued and consumed them. Mezhgan’s stare was blank, her eyes showing a little hurt as she gazed at Paula. Paula could tell that she was trying compute everything she’d just seen and heard when suddenly Simon’s voice broke through the silence.
“Daddy is here princess, so you needn’t cry any longer. Shush,” he cooed, his voice soft and loving as it took on a tone which was all too familiar to those downstairs. It was a tone they’d all heard or used. It was a tone a parent spoke in when they were speaking to a child, usually their child.
If was If she could see Mezhgan’s heart shattering and breaking inside of her as Simon appeared on the stairs, a sleepy-looking Alexia in his arms. She was softly babbling to herself, holding onto her father tightly as he descended the stairs which lead them into the living room. He moved to stand next to Paula, his gaze focused on the person who was his fiancée.
“Her name is Alexia,” he began, swallowing repeatedly. “She is… well… she is.”
“She’s our daughter,” Paula said, stepping in when she could see that he was unable to say it. Unable to break the news to his fiancée. Julie had already known about her granddaughter she’d just never met her. The risk of the world finding out, of Mezhgan finding out had been too great. “It’s not what you thin-”
“You bastard!” Mezhgan screamed hurling engagement ring, narrowly avoiding Simon as she rushed out of the house.
He stood staring at the door as Julie moved towards him, her eyes full of unshed tears as for the first time since Alexia had been born, she was here in the flesh. She was actually here. He wordlessly allowed his mother to take Alexia into her arms, to move and sit down on the sofa. He turned to watch his daughter placing a kiss upon her grandmothers cheek before she snuggled into her where she promptly fell back to sleep.
He’d shut himself off from her again she could tell by the look in his eyes or lack thereof. The second the ring had come off of Mezhgan’s finger he’d shut down again, he’d shut her out. She watched with great sadness as he made sure he was sat on the side of his mother that she wasn’t occupying.
She didn’t know what to do, what to feel or say as he excused himself citing ‘work’ and promptly shut himself away in his office. She merely nodded her head in agreement as Julie offered to put Alexia back to bed, she wasn’t really aware as Julie took her hand and led her upstairs and into her room whilst she placed Alexia back in Simon’s room.
Julir didn’t know what it was that made Paula cry but she cried. Julie watched her cry harder and longer than she’d ever seen her cry before. She was truly pained as her tears fell and fell until they could fall no more. Paula had fallen asleep after some time had passed. How much time she didn’t know but she could definitely see that Paula was exhausted from all the pain and she needed him; he needed her.
And so after Paula had definitely fallen asleep she went in search of her son. The son she knew would be in great pain, how greater pain she soon found out when she knocked on the office door to see him asleep at his desk, his cheeks stained with his tears as he held a photo of his father in his hand. His sleeping face bore the same expression as Paula. He looked tired, tired and pained.
Aside from the fact she knew he would wake up feeling psychically pained from the position he was sleeping in, she knew he needed face a few demons whether he liked it or not and so she shook him awake. She shook him gently until he opened his eyes, her heart melted when his tired eyes focused on her just like he did when he’d been a small boy except this time he was a grown man. But he was a grown man who nonetheless needed those who loved him.
“Mum?” he whispered, his voice hoarse from the sleep and tears. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing son,” she whispered. Just before she disappeared out of his office she indicted with her finger for him to follow her. She raised her finger indicting he wasn’t to say a word as she led them into Paula’s room where she was still sleeping soundly on the bed. “I am going to sleep in your bed and make sure Alexia is ok whilst you and Paula are to share this bed. No arguments, she said, kissing his cheek softly before leaving the room, leaving him standing there in total disbelief.
He knew better than to argue with his mum. Aside from him never winning the argument, she was his mother and he’d never be so disrespectful especially after his father had died. He carefully stripped Paula down so that she was wearing her dress, he’d removed all the clunky clothing and jewellery, her shoes before he gently manoeuvred her under the covers.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered after he’d stripped down to his underwear and he too had climbed under the covers. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead before turning his body so his back was facing her where he promptly fell asleep.
*
“Paula?” she turned to face Amy who was looking at her with an expression of concern. She had been staying with Amy for over five months which meant that she was currently six months pregnant with hers and Simon’s baby. Baby girl or baby boy? She didn’t know because she’d hadn’t wanted to find out. She had wanted it to be a surprise. Ever since she’d been aware of how babies were really made she’d said to herself that if she ever had a baby she would want to be unaware of her babies gender. She liked the idea of not knowing, of finding out when the baby was born.
“Yeah?” she asked.
“Are you ok? I mean really ok?” Amy asked as she moved to join Paula on the sofa. “Your quiet. Almost weirdly quiet.”
“I can’t stop thinking about him,” she whispered softly in reply. “I can’t stop thinking about the father and what I must be doing to him by being here. I can’t go back right now, I know that but it just hurts so much to think that I just upped and left. I left everyone and everything that mattered to me behind! All because I couldn’t handle the fact that I had gotten knocked up by who knocked me up!”
“Come here,” Amy whispered as she pulled an almost sobbing Paula into her arms.
“He’s engaged to another woman for crying out loud! He’s engaged to another woman and he knocked me up! Yes he knocked me up before they got together but how do you tell a man who is serious with another that you, you are pregnant with his child? You can’t without causing some serious, maybe irreparable damage. Which is why I decided to do what I have done because when I return he’ll hate me so much he’ll never want to talk or see me again, which means that I won’t have to worry about him discovering my little secret,” she said, placing her hand over her stomach as her unborn child made her presence known with a swift kick.
“I’m sorry baby,” she whispered, the reality of what she’d done truly settling into her mind as her unborn baby kicked. She was depriving her child of a father.*
She awoke slowly, wiping away the sleep from her eyes as her dream was still fresh in her mind. The dream which plagued her frequently. The dream which was a reality. “What?” she whispered as she registered the weight pressing upon her. She looked down to see that some of that reality was laying in bed with her asleep. Asleep as he had an arm wrapped around her whilst his head was nestled safely upon her breasts. Simon was in the same bed as her and he was nestled close and intimately to her.
She was puzzled for a moment until she looked up at the door to see a smiling Julie holding Alexia. She must have planned something. “She is truly a clever, clever woman.” she mused as Julie placed Alexia on Paula’s stomach where she quickly mentioned she was making breakfast before leaving the little family all on their own.
She had to stifle a laugh when Alexia spotted Simon and immediately got the look upon her face which usually meant she wanted to play but obviously Simon couldn’t play. He was asleep. A fact which was quickly rectified by Alexia who swiftly and decisively grabbed a hold of her sleeping fathers nose and pulled on it hard.
“Ow!” Simon growled in annoyance as he was rudely awakened by who he did not know. “Oh,” he whispered, his face lighting up with a smile as he spotted his baby girl staring at him, her face mirroring his smile. “Hello darling,” he smiled as she placed a swift kiss upon his cheek.
She smiled despite herself when she saw his face blush furiously once he released who he was snuggled against. She kept her face neutral despite her body yearning for his warmth to return once he moved away from her, and situated Alexia so that he was sitting against the headboard with her resting against his knees.
They were enjoying such an intimate, perfect moment. She knew that she’d never felt as happy as she did in that moment. She was happy until he spoke.
“I need to talk to her. I have to speak to her,” he said.
She never got the chance to reply as Julie shouted up the stairs telling them that breakfast was ready.
*
He was early. A rare instance he mused whilst he waited for his fiancée to arrive. Well he doesn’t know what she was to him anymore after last night. He’d taken his mother home before phoning Mezhgan asking her if they could talk. And so here he was sitting in a restaurant waiting for her to arrive.
He smiled as he noticed her walking towards him. “Hi,” he said as she took a seat opposite him. “I just want to say that I am so, so sorry for all of this. I honestly never meant to hurt you. I love you.”
“I know you do Simon but we both know that we don’t love one another enough,” Mezhgan said as she removed her sunglasses. “I just want to know one thing. Was Alexia conceived once you and I were together?”
“No,” he said. “It was one night shortly before you and I got together. I was over at Paula’s we were watching movies and drinking wine when one thing led to another. We slept together and obviously we made a baby. But that was it. I never saw her again for nine months.”
“I don’t hate you Simon. I honestly don’t but I know in my heart that this was the final nail in the coffin that was our relationship. You’ve have a child and you never told me. I was supposed to become your wife and you hid this from me. I know there is a reason why you have hidden this from me but I don’t want to hear it right now. I just want to move on with my life.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered once more.
“I know you are Simon. I know you are. I’ll continue to pretend we are an item for as long as you need us to pretend. Just know that I love you and I will always love you. Goodbye,” she whispered softly before leaving to process his thoughts alone.
*
“Where the hell is she?” he said aloud to himself as he stood in the hallway. He’d called her name expecting her to magically appear like she always did but this time there was no answer. The only sounds he could hear were coming from himself; his heavy breathing and the furious beating of his heart as it thumped rapidly against his ribs.
He raced upstairs to the room where Paula had been staying only to find it empty so he rushed in a flurry of panic to his own room which was deserted too. He was about to turn away when suddenly he spotted something on the floor by his bed. As he moved closer he saw that it was Alexia’s bear. The bear that she slept with nightly.
“They’ve gone,” he whispered brokenly. "Mezhgan." The name hit him like a ton of bricks. She'd left. She'd left and taken their baby girl because of Mezhgan. She thought he was choosing Mezhgan. He just didn't understand why it upset her when he wasn't hers to claim.
Tuesday, 23 November 2010
Unspoken Words.
Chapter 4.
“Oh God!” The two of them sprung apart as if they were a child who’d been caught with their hand in the cookie jar. The four corners of the room were now occupied by four equally stunned people. The four of them stood silent and unsure of what to say, what to do when suddenly a small cry broke through via the baby monitor that was situated on the table by the sofa.
“Alexia,” he whispered, glancing briefly at the woman in the room before he rushed out of the room and up the stairs leaving Paula alone with Mezhgan and Julie.
She felt as if she were sitting in an interrogation room, a thousand lights shining down on her as the two woman stared silently at her, their gazes were piercing and searching for answers to the many questions that now plagued and consumed them. Mezhgan’s stare was blank, her eyes showing a little hurt as she gazed at Paula. Paula could tell that she was trying compute everything she’d just seen and heard when suddenly Simon’s voice broke through the silence.
“Daddy is here princess, so you needn’t cry any longer. Shush,” he cooed, his voice soft and loving as it took on a tone which was all too familiar to those downstairs. It was a tone they’d all heard or used. It was a tone a parent spoke in when they were speaking to a child, usually their child.
If was If she could see Mezhgan’s heart shattering and breaking inside of her as Simon appeared on the stairs, a sleepy-looking Alexia in his arms. She was softly babbling to herself, holding onto her father tightly as he descended the stairs which lead them into the living room. He moved to stand next to Paula, his gaze focused on the person who was his fiancée.
“Her name is Alexia,” he began, swallowing repeatedly. “She is… well… she is.”
“She’s our daughter,” Paula said, stepping in when she could see that he was unable to say it. Unable to break the news to his fiancée. Julie had already known about her granddaughter she’d just never met her. The risk of the world finding out, of Mezhgan finding out had been too great. “It’s not what you thin-”
“You bastard!” Mezhgan screamed hurling engagement ring, narrowly avoiding Simon as she rushed out of the house.
He stood staring at the door as Julie moved towards him, her eyes full of unshed tears as for the first time since Alexia had been born, she was here in the flesh. She was actually here. He wordlessly allowed his mother to take Alexia into her arms, to move and sit down on the sofa. He turned to watch his daughter placing a kiss upon her grandmothers cheek before she snuggled into her where she promptly fell back to sleep.
He’d shut himself off from her again she could tell by the look in his eyes or lack thereof. The second the ring had come off of Mezhgan’s finger he’d shut down again, he’d shut her out. She watched with great sadness as he made sure he was sat on the side of his mother that she wasn’t occupying.
She didn’t know what to do, what to feel or say as he excused himself citing ‘work’ and promptly shut himself away in his office. She merely nodded her head in agreement as Julie offered to put Alexia back to bed, she wasn’t really aware as Julie took her hand and led her upstairs and into her room whilst she placed Alexia back in Simon’s room.
Julir didn’t know what it was that made Paula cry but she cried. Julie watched her cry harder and longer than she’d ever seen her cry before. She was truly pained as her tears fell and fell until they could fall no more. Paula had fallen asleep after some time had passed. How much time she didn’t know but she could definitely see that Paula was exhausted from all the pain and she needed him; he needed her.
And so after Paula had definitely fallen asleep she went in search of her son. The son she knew would be in great pain, how greater pain she soon found out when she knocked on the office door to see him asleep at his desk, his cheeks stained with his tears as he held a photo of his father in his hand. His sleeping face bore the same expression as Paula. He looked tired, tired and pained.
Aside from the fact she knew he would wake up feeling psychically pained from the position he was sleeping in, she knew he needed face a few demons whether he liked it or not and so she shook him awake. She shook him gently until he opened his eyes, her heart melted when his tired eyes focused on her just like he did when he’d been a small boy except this time he was a grown man. But he was a grown man who nonetheless needed those who loved him.
“Mum?” he whispered, his voice hoarse from the sleep and tears. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing son,” she whispered. Just before she disappeared out of his office she indicted with her finger for him to follow her. She raised her finger indicting he wasn’t to say a word as she led them into Paula’s room where she was still sleeping soundly on the bed. “I am going to sleep in your bed and make sure Alexia is ok whilst you and Paula are to share this bed. No arguments, she said, kissing his cheek softly before leaving the room, leaving him standing there in total disbelief.
He knew better than to argue with his mum. Aside from him never winning the argument, she was his mother and he’d never be so disrespectful especially after his father had died. He carefully stripped Paula down so that she was wearing her dress, he’d removed all the clunky clothing and jewellery, her shoes before he gently manoeuvred her under the covers.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered after he’d stripped down to his underwear and he too had climbed under the covers. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead before turning his body so his back was facing her where he promptly fell asleep.
*
“Paula?” she turned to face Amy who was looking at her with an expression of concern. She had been staying with Amy for over five months which meant that she was currently six months pregnant with hers and Simon’s baby. Baby girl or baby boy? She didn’t know because she’d hadn’t wanted to find out. She had wanted it to be a surprise. Ever since she’d been aware of how babies were really made she’d said to herself that if she ever had a baby she would want to be unaware of her babies gender. She liked the idea of not knowing, of finding out when the baby was born.
“Yeah?” she asked.
“Are you ok? I mean really ok?” Amy asked as she moved to join Paula on the sofa. “Your quiet. Almost weirdly quiet.”
“I can’t stop thinking about him,” she whispered softly in reply. “I can’t stop thinking about the father and what I must be doing to him by being here. I can’t go back right now, I know that but it just hurts so much to think that I just upped and left. I left everyone and everything that mattered to me behind! All because I couldn’t handle the fact that I had gotten knocked up by who knocked me up!”
“Come here,” Amy whispered as she pulled an almost sobbing Paula into her arms.
“He’s engaged to another woman for crying out loud! He’s engaged to another woman and he knocked me up! Yes he knocked me up before they got together but how do you tell a man who is serious with another that you, you are pregnant with his child? You can’t without causing some serious, maybe irreparable damage. Which is why I decided to do what I have done because when I return he’ll hate me so much he’ll never want to talk or see me again, which means that I won’t have to worry about him discovering my little secret,” she said, placing her hand over her stomach as her unborn child made her presence known with a swift kick.
“I’m sorry baby,” she whispered, the reality of what she’d done truly settling into her mind as her unborn baby kicked. She was depriving her child of a father.
*
She awoke slowly, wiping away the sleep from her eyes as her dream was still fresh in her mind. The dream which plagued her frequently. The dream which was a reality. “What?” she whispered as she registered the weight pressing upon her. She looked down to see that some of that reality was laying in bed with her asleep. Asleep as he had an arm wrapped around her whilst his head was nestled safely upon her breasts. Simon was in the same bed as her and he was nestled close and intimately to her.
She was puzzled for a moment until she looked up at the door to see a smiling Julie holding Alexia. She must have planned something. “She is truly a clever, clever woman.” she mused as Julie placed Alexia on Paula’s stomach where she quickly mentioned she was making breakfast before leaving the little family all on their own.
She had to stifle a laugh when Alexia spotted Simon and immediately got the look upon her face which usually meant she wanted to play but obviously Simon couldn’t play. He was asleep. A fact which was quickly rectified by Alexia who swiftly and decisively grabbed a hold of her sleeping fathers nose and pulled on it hard.
“Ow!” Simon growled in annoyance as he was rudely awakened by who he did not know. “Oh,” he whispered, his face lighting up with a smile as he spotted his baby girl staring at him, her face mirroring his smile. “Hello darling,” he smiled as she placed a swift kiss upon his cheek.
She smiled despite herself when she saw his face blush furiously once he released who he was snuggled against. She kept her face neutral despite her body yearning for his warmth to return once he moved away from her, and situated Alexia so that he was sitting against the headboard with her resting against his knees.
They were enjoying such an intimate, perfect moment. She knew that she’d never felt as happy as she did in that moment. She was happy until he spoke.
“I need to talk to her. I have to speak to her,” he said.
She never got the chance to reply as Julie shouted up the stairs telling them that breakfast was ready.
*
He was early. A rare instance he mused whilst he waited for his fiancée to arrive. Well he doesn’t know what she was to him anymore after last night. He’d taken his mother home before phoning Mezhgan asking her if they could talk. And so here he was sitting in a restaurant waiting for her to arrive.
He smiled as he noticed her walking towards him. “Hi,” he said as she took a seat opposite him. “I just want to say that I am so, so sorry for all of this. I honestly never meant to hurt you. I love you.”
“I know you do Simon but we both know that we don’t love one another enough,” Mezhgan said as she removed her sunglasses. “I just want to know one thing. Was Alexia conceived once you and I were together?”
“No,” he said. “It was one night shortly before you and I got together. I was over at Paula’s we were watching movies and drinking wine when one thing led to another. We slept together and obviously we made a baby. But that was it. I never saw her again for nine months.”
“I don’t hate you Simon. I honestly don’t but I know in my heart that this was the final nail in the coffin that was our relationship. You’ve have a child and you never told me. I was supposed to become your wife and you hid this from me. I know there is a reason why you have hidden this from me but I don’t want to hear it right now. I just want to move on with my life.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered once more.
“I know you are Simon. I know you are. I’ll continue to pretend we are an item for as long as you need us to pretend. Just know that I love you and I will always love you. Goodbye,” she whispered softly before leaving to process his thoughts alone.
*
“Where the hell is she?” he said aloud to himself as he stood in the hallway. He’d called her name expecting her to magically appear like she always did but this time there was no answer. The only sounds he could hear were coming from himself; his heavy breathing and the furious beating of his heart as it thumped rapidly against his ribs.
He raced upstairs to the room where Paula had been staying only to find it empty so he rushed in a flurry of panic to his own room which was deserted too. He was about to turn away when suddenly he spotted something on the floor by his bed. As he moved closer he saw that it was Alexia’s bear. The bear that she slept with nightly.
“They’ve gone,” he whispered brokenly. But why had they gone? Why?”
“Oh God!” The two of them sprung apart as if they were a child who’d been caught with their hand in the cookie jar. The four corners of the room were now occupied by four equally stunned people. The four of them stood silent and unsure of what to say, what to do when suddenly a small cry broke through via the baby monitor that was situated on the table by the sofa.
“Alexia,” he whispered, glancing briefly at the woman in the room before he rushed out of the room and up the stairs leaving Paula alone with Mezhgan and Julie.
She felt as if she were sitting in an interrogation room, a thousand lights shining down on her as the two woman stared silently at her, their gazes were piercing and searching for answers to the many questions that now plagued and consumed them. Mezhgan’s stare was blank, her eyes showing a little hurt as she gazed at Paula. Paula could tell that she was trying compute everything she’d just seen and heard when suddenly Simon’s voice broke through the silence.
“Daddy is here princess, so you needn’t cry any longer. Shush,” he cooed, his voice soft and loving as it took on a tone which was all too familiar to those downstairs. It was a tone they’d all heard or used. It was a tone a parent spoke in when they were speaking to a child, usually their child.
If was If she could see Mezhgan’s heart shattering and breaking inside of her as Simon appeared on the stairs, a sleepy-looking Alexia in his arms. She was softly babbling to herself, holding onto her father tightly as he descended the stairs which lead them into the living room. He moved to stand next to Paula, his gaze focused on the person who was his fiancée.
“Her name is Alexia,” he began, swallowing repeatedly. “She is… well… she is.”
“She’s our daughter,” Paula said, stepping in when she could see that he was unable to say it. Unable to break the news to his fiancée. Julie had already known about her granddaughter she’d just never met her. The risk of the world finding out, of Mezhgan finding out had been too great. “It’s not what you thin-”
“You bastard!” Mezhgan screamed hurling engagement ring, narrowly avoiding Simon as she rushed out of the house.
He stood staring at the door as Julie moved towards him, her eyes full of unshed tears as for the first time since Alexia had been born, she was here in the flesh. She was actually here. He wordlessly allowed his mother to take Alexia into her arms, to move and sit down on the sofa. He turned to watch his daughter placing a kiss upon her grandmothers cheek before she snuggled into her where she promptly fell back to sleep.
He’d shut himself off from her again she could tell by the look in his eyes or lack thereof. The second the ring had come off of Mezhgan’s finger he’d shut down again, he’d shut her out. She watched with great sadness as he made sure he was sat on the side of his mother that she wasn’t occupying.
She didn’t know what to do, what to feel or say as he excused himself citing ‘work’ and promptly shut himself away in his office. She merely nodded her head in agreement as Julie offered to put Alexia back to bed, she wasn’t really aware as Julie took her hand and led her upstairs and into her room whilst she placed Alexia back in Simon’s room.
Julir didn’t know what it was that made Paula cry but she cried. Julie watched her cry harder and longer than she’d ever seen her cry before. She was truly pained as her tears fell and fell until they could fall no more. Paula had fallen asleep after some time had passed. How much time she didn’t know but she could definitely see that Paula was exhausted from all the pain and she needed him; he needed her.
And so after Paula had definitely fallen asleep she went in search of her son. The son she knew would be in great pain, how greater pain she soon found out when she knocked on the office door to see him asleep at his desk, his cheeks stained with his tears as he held a photo of his father in his hand. His sleeping face bore the same expression as Paula. He looked tired, tired and pained.
Aside from the fact she knew he would wake up feeling psychically pained from the position he was sleeping in, she knew he needed face a few demons whether he liked it or not and so she shook him awake. She shook him gently until he opened his eyes, her heart melted when his tired eyes focused on her just like he did when he’d been a small boy except this time he was a grown man. But he was a grown man who nonetheless needed those who loved him.
“Mum?” he whispered, his voice hoarse from the sleep and tears. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing son,” she whispered. Just before she disappeared out of his office she indicted with her finger for him to follow her. She raised her finger indicting he wasn’t to say a word as she led them into Paula’s room where she was still sleeping soundly on the bed. “I am going to sleep in your bed and make sure Alexia is ok whilst you and Paula are to share this bed. No arguments, she said, kissing his cheek softly before leaving the room, leaving him standing there in total disbelief.
He knew better than to argue with his mum. Aside from him never winning the argument, she was his mother and he’d never be so disrespectful especially after his father had died. He carefully stripped Paula down so that she was wearing her dress, he’d removed all the clunky clothing and jewellery, her shoes before he gently manoeuvred her under the covers.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered after he’d stripped down to his underwear and he too had climbed under the covers. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead before turning his body so his back was facing her where he promptly fell asleep.
*
“Paula?” she turned to face Amy who was looking at her with an expression of concern. She had been staying with Amy for over five months which meant that she was currently six months pregnant with hers and Simon’s baby. Baby girl or baby boy? She didn’t know because she’d hadn’t wanted to find out. She had wanted it to be a surprise. Ever since she’d been aware of how babies were really made she’d said to herself that if she ever had a baby she would want to be unaware of her babies gender. She liked the idea of not knowing, of finding out when the baby was born.
“Yeah?” she asked.
“Are you ok? I mean really ok?” Amy asked as she moved to join Paula on the sofa. “Your quiet. Almost weirdly quiet.”
“I can’t stop thinking about him,” she whispered softly in reply. “I can’t stop thinking about the father and what I must be doing to him by being here. I can’t go back right now, I know that but it just hurts so much to think that I just upped and left. I left everyone and everything that mattered to me behind! All because I couldn’t handle the fact that I had gotten knocked up by who knocked me up!”
“Come here,” Amy whispered as she pulled an almost sobbing Paula into her arms.
“He’s engaged to another woman for crying out loud! He’s engaged to another woman and he knocked me up! Yes he knocked me up before they got together but how do you tell a man who is serious with another that you, you are pregnant with his child? You can’t without causing some serious, maybe irreparable damage. Which is why I decided to do what I have done because when I return he’ll hate me so much he’ll never want to talk or see me again, which means that I won’t have to worry about him discovering my little secret,” she said, placing her hand over her stomach as her unborn child made her presence known with a swift kick.
“I’m sorry baby,” she whispered, the reality of what she’d done truly settling into her mind as her unborn baby kicked. She was depriving her child of a father.
*
She awoke slowly, wiping away the sleep from her eyes as her dream was still fresh in her mind. The dream which plagued her frequently. The dream which was a reality. “What?” she whispered as she registered the weight pressing upon her. She looked down to see that some of that reality was laying in bed with her asleep. Asleep as he had an arm wrapped around her whilst his head was nestled safely upon her breasts. Simon was in the same bed as her and he was nestled close and intimately to her.
She was puzzled for a moment until she looked up at the door to see a smiling Julie holding Alexia. She must have planned something. “She is truly a clever, clever woman.” she mused as Julie placed Alexia on Paula’s stomach where she quickly mentioned she was making breakfast before leaving the little family all on their own.
She had to stifle a laugh when Alexia spotted Simon and immediately got the look upon her face which usually meant she wanted to play but obviously Simon couldn’t play. He was asleep. A fact which was quickly rectified by Alexia who swiftly and decisively grabbed a hold of her sleeping fathers nose and pulled on it hard.
“Ow!” Simon growled in annoyance as he was rudely awakened by who he did not know. “Oh,” he whispered, his face lighting up with a smile as he spotted his baby girl staring at him, her face mirroring his smile. “Hello darling,” he smiled as she placed a swift kiss upon his cheek.
She smiled despite herself when she saw his face blush furiously once he released who he was snuggled against. She kept her face neutral despite her body yearning for his warmth to return once he moved away from her, and situated Alexia so that he was sitting against the headboard with her resting against his knees.
They were enjoying such an intimate, perfect moment. She knew that she’d never felt as happy as she did in that moment. She was happy until he spoke.
“I need to talk to her. I have to speak to her,” he said.
She never got the chance to reply as Julie shouted up the stairs telling them that breakfast was ready.
*
He was early. A rare instance he mused whilst he waited for his fiancée to arrive. Well he doesn’t know what she was to him anymore after last night. He’d taken his mother home before phoning Mezhgan asking her if they could talk. And so here he was sitting in a restaurant waiting for her to arrive.
He smiled as he noticed her walking towards him. “Hi,” he said as she took a seat opposite him. “I just want to say that I am so, so sorry for all of this. I honestly never meant to hurt you. I love you.”
“I know you do Simon but we both know that we don’t love one another enough,” Mezhgan said as she removed her sunglasses. “I just want to know one thing. Was Alexia conceived once you and I were together?”
“No,” he said. “It was one night shortly before you and I got together. I was over at Paula’s we were watching movies and drinking wine when one thing led to another. We slept together and obviously we made a baby. But that was it. I never saw her again for nine months.”
“I don’t hate you Simon. I honestly don’t but I know in my heart that this was the final nail in the coffin that was our relationship. You’ve have a child and you never told me. I was supposed to become your wife and you hid this from me. I know there is a reason why you have hidden this from me but I don’t want to hear it right now. I just want to move on with my life.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered once more.
“I know you are Simon. I know you are. I’ll continue to pretend we are an item for as long as you need us to pretend. Just know that I love you and I will always love you. Goodbye,” she whispered softly before leaving to process his thoughts alone.
*
“Where the hell is she?” he said aloud to himself as he stood in the hallway. He’d called her name expecting her to magically appear like she always did but this time there was no answer. The only sounds he could hear were coming from himself; his heavy breathing and the furious beating of his heart as it thumped rapidly against his ribs.
He raced upstairs to the room where Paula had been staying only to find it empty so he rushed in a flurry of panic to his own room which was deserted too. He was about to turn away when suddenly he spotted something on the floor by his bed. As he moved closer he saw that it was Alexia’s bear. The bear that she slept with nightly.
“They’ve gone,” he whispered brokenly. But why had they gone? Why?”
Thursday, 4 November 2010
Unspoken Words
Chapter 3 -
She can still hear his words clear in her mind even though it's been so long since he said them. It's now October, he left at the beginning of June and those words are still plaguing her, plaguing her dreams. "I'm not her father!" It is like the record player is stuck but she can't figure out how to make it unstuck no matter how hard she tries too.
Never for a moment did she think that he was serious when he said what he said. That he wasn't and never would be Alexia's father. He was angry. He was the angriest and most hurt she'd ever seen him. She never thought that she would ever see him as upset as she had that day. She figured that he would cool down and then when he was ready, he would contact her. She couldn't have been more wrong. It had been nearly four months since he'd left for the start of the X-Factor and she hadn't heard a word from him.
She'd followed all the stories that had been written about him since he'd left for any indications of him telling the world what he knew; there was nothing which was something that she was entirely grateful for. The ball was entirely in his court. He could spill her secrets if he wanted to and he didn't. She'd told Randy the truth so the original Idol people who were closer than blood knew the truth. Randy had been a little pissed at her for treating Simon the way she had but at the same time he understood why she'd done it.
It was so hard keeping Alexia a secret from the world but she knew it was something that she had to do. She couldn't deal with all the questions she would get if she came clean or what they'd print about her. She knew that if she'd come clean in the first place about her pregnancy that there would be some pretty hideous articles printed about her and that was something she didn't think she could go through. There would no excess stress on her body whilst she was pregnant. She wouldn't risk her babies life and health for anyone or anything in the world.
Alexia was truly the light of her life. Even now as she gazed at the floor where Alexia was playing with her little activity gym her heart filled with love. Her heart felt as if it would burst every time she looked at her daughter because it was so full with love.
Alexia was definitely her mothers daughter. They both had such a beautiful golden complexion, the same warm smile but with a subtle differences which were only noticeable if you knew Alexia's true paternity. Her eyes were the vivid, beautiful blue you'd ever seen. She had her grandmother Julie's eyes there was no questioning that but her chin, her cheeks, her lips and her hair they were all Simon. Her lips already contorted into the most adorable pout Paula had ever seen she was already sucked right in to Alexia web and unable to refuse anything her baby wished for. Simon would be the same, she mused.
*
He was here begrudgingly at that. He was back in Los Angeles but he wanted to get as far away from Los Angeles, as far from Paula and her lies as he could be but no he was here because he had to be. He was here for business. A meeting with Fox regarding the American version of the X-Factor which was launching in the next year.
He couldn't stop thinking about them. They were always first and foremost in his mind every hour of every day. His relationship with Mezhgan was suffering hugely because of it. He never saw her something which he was weirdly grateful for. They are engaged to be married yet he is happy that she is sulking away from him. She is in LA working and spending time with her family whilst he was working in London. She does know that he is in LA for a few days but she claims to be too busy to see him. He is fine with that. No Mezhgan means no awkward or strained conversations for the few days that he was in LA. Of course he wanted to see her but things were starting to get on top of him and an argument with her was something he didn't need.
He let out a big sigh in frustration as he looked down at the mountain of paperwork sitting on his desk in front of him. He was a workaholic who loved his work but right now he couldn't stand the sight of it. He just wanted it to go away and never come back when suddenly the repugnant silence was broken. Broken by the loud ringing of his cell phone. He was a little shocked when he read the name aloud. "Wendy." Why would Wendy be calling?
"This is a new low Paula," he spat as he answered the phone. He wasn't in the mood for any of this today.
"It's not Paula. It's Wendy!" came the angry voice. "You need to come to Cedars Sini now!"
"Why?" he stuttered, shocked at the quick turn of the conversation.
"There is something really wrong with Lexi-"
"I'm coming!" he said, hanging up the phone before Wendy could finish.
He rushed to his car and sped off in the direction of the hospital. His mind was spinning, going a mile a minute as he drove. Lexi was in the hospital. Was she ill? Dying? Dead? Fine? What? He didn't know and it was sending him into a frenzy. His daughter - wait! His daughter? Yes, she was… is his daughter.
He was suddenly consumed with huge waves of guilt as the realisation that he has a daughter hits him. He has a daughter and he has missed out on so much of her life because he was too hurt and angry by her mothers actions. He has punished his daughter when she hadn't done a thing wrong.
*
His couldn't hear his own thoughts over the loudness in his head that was his thumping heartbeat as he pushed open the door to the hospital waiting room where Paula and her family were waiting. Not waiting for him but for any news on Alexia.
He stopped, pausing momentarily as he opened the doors to see the family gathered around a weeping Paula. It hurt to see her so pained. It did. He quickly snapped out of his little moment and rushed over to them. The concern for Alexia taking over him, clouding everything.
"Where is she?" he bellowed, launching himself at Paula, his voice laced with pain as he looked at her. He tried to not let the look of anguish and pain affect him.
"We'll give you two a minute," Wendy said softly as she led her mum, dad and two sons out of the waiting room.
"Paula?" he whispered.
"It was time for her dinner so I was feeding her when she suddenly she started wheezing and her face swelled. I didn't know what to do so I called Wendy who told me to take her to the hospital," she sobbed, burying her face into her hands.
He was about to reply. The words were all formed in his mouth when suddenly a doctor burst through the door and Paula shot up out of her seat, launching herself at the doctor, firing questions at him.
"Your daughter is going to be fine. She went into Anaphylactic shock so we had to inject her with Epinephrine to try and stop the anaphylactic shock. It worked. We want to keep her here overnight for observation just in case. We also need to work out why it happened so that we can try and prevent it from happening again. Has she ever shown any of the symptoms before?"
"Definitely not," she answered.
"So today was the first time that they have developed?"
"Yes."
"Has she been in contact with anything which may contain nuts?"
"Yes!" she said. "I was experimenting with new foods for her. Her dinner tonight definitely had crushed nuts in it. Oh God. This is my fault," she whispered as she sat back down on her chair, totally shut off.
"Does my daughter have a nut allergy?" Simon asked.
"It looks that way Mr Cowell. We'll run some more tests to see."
"Can we see her?" he asked.
"Yes but please make it no more than two at a time. This way," the doctor instructed.
She smiled slightly despite the situation when she felt him linking their fingers together as they followed the doctor to the Paediatric ward where Alexia was. She could have pushed him away, screamed and yelled at him, made a scene as they were led to their daughter but she didn't. She didn't want to. He was here that was all she needed.
She fought the urge to cry as they entered the ward where she immediately spotted Alexia laying in her bed, kicking her little feet up in the air as she watched the mobile. It took her a few moments to notice as she stood by the crib watching her daughter that Simon wasn't stood anywhere them. "Why are you standing so far away?" she asked as she turned to face him unprepared to see the fear and guilt written across his face. "Simon," she whispered.
"She doesn't know who I am. I don't want to scare her," he whispered as he looked down at the floor.
"You're her daddy. She knows that. Come here." He didn't move. "Come on," she whispered as she held her hand out for him to take. She smiled when she watched him taking the hand she offered and walked hesitantly closer to the crib. "Talk to her."
"Hi," he whispered bashfully as Alexia turned her attention from the mobile to him and their eyes locked. Father and daughter stared at one another. It was as if there was no one else in existence. It was just the two of them and suddenly he felt as if the walls were closing in on him, he couldn't breathe. He had to get out of there. "I can't do this," he whispered as he turned and ran out of the room, ignoring the cry which escaped Alexia's mouth at the sight of her father running from her.
*
"Simon." he lifted his head at the sound of his name. He looked up to see Wendy standing in front of him with what smelled like a cup of Earl Grey tea. "For you," she said, handing it to him before taking a seat next to him. He was sitting out on the private balcony away from prying eyes and ears.
"Thanks," he mumbled before taking a sip, sighing in appreciation as the familiar warm liquid flowed past his lips. Just a simple beverage, a taste of home helped to take just a small part of his pain and anxiety away. "Here to scream at me?" he whispered hoarsely.
"No. I came to see how you were. Paula was really worried when you ran out like that after all it's taken to get you here," Wendy replied.
"Don't start on that," his hissed softly.
"Why did you leave?" she asked, changing the topic.
"I couldn't breathe. I felt suffocated. She nearly died and I've spent less than five minutes with her in her whole life."
"You were hurt. I would be. And yes she is my sister and I love her beyond words but I cannot even begin to imagine what you must have been feeling. I know it doesn't make up for you not being there and being able see it first hand but we have everything on video. Paula had them made in case you got in contact. Do you want me to get them and take them over to your house?" she asked.
"Please," he whispered, his voice cracking slightly. "Please."
"I'll do it when I get home. Now let's go and see your daughter. She misses you terribly," she said, standing so that she could hold a hand for Simon.
"Let's go see my little girl," he whispered, a smile gracing his lips.
She can still hear his words clear in her mind even though it's been so long since he said them. It's now October, he left at the beginning of June and those words are still plaguing her, plaguing her dreams. "I'm not her father!" It is like the record player is stuck but she can't figure out how to make it unstuck no matter how hard she tries too.
Never for a moment did she think that he was serious when he said what he said. That he wasn't and never would be Alexia's father. He was angry. He was the angriest and most hurt she'd ever seen him. She never thought that she would ever see him as upset as she had that day. She figured that he would cool down and then when he was ready, he would contact her. She couldn't have been more wrong. It had been nearly four months since he'd left for the start of the X-Factor and she hadn't heard a word from him.
She'd followed all the stories that had been written about him since he'd left for any indications of him telling the world what he knew; there was nothing which was something that she was entirely grateful for. The ball was entirely in his court. He could spill her secrets if he wanted to and he didn't. She'd told Randy the truth so the original Idol people who were closer than blood knew the truth. Randy had been a little pissed at her for treating Simon the way she had but at the same time he understood why she'd done it.
It was so hard keeping Alexia a secret from the world but she knew it was something that she had to do. She couldn't deal with all the questions she would get if she came clean or what they'd print about her. She knew that if she'd come clean in the first place about her pregnancy that there would be some pretty hideous articles printed about her and that was something she didn't think she could go through. There would no excess stress on her body whilst she was pregnant. She wouldn't risk her babies life and health for anyone or anything in the world.
Alexia was truly the light of her life. Even now as she gazed at the floor where Alexia was playing with her little activity gym her heart filled with love. Her heart felt as if it would burst every time she looked at her daughter because it was so full with love.
Alexia was definitely her mothers daughter. They both had such a beautiful golden complexion, the same warm smile but with a subtle differences which were only noticeable if you knew Alexia's true paternity. Her eyes were the vivid, beautiful blue you'd ever seen. She had her grandmother Julie's eyes there was no questioning that but her chin, her cheeks, her lips and her hair they were all Simon. Her lips already contorted into the most adorable pout Paula had ever seen she was already sucked right in to Alexia web and unable to refuse anything her baby wished for. Simon would be the same, she mused.
*
He was here begrudgingly at that. He was back in Los Angeles but he wanted to get as far away from Los Angeles, as far from Paula and her lies as he could be but no he was here because he had to be. He was here for business. A meeting with Fox regarding the American version of the X-Factor which was launching in the next year.
He couldn't stop thinking about them. They were always first and foremost in his mind every hour of every day. His relationship with Mezhgan was suffering hugely because of it. He never saw her something which he was weirdly grateful for. They are engaged to be married yet he is happy that she is sulking away from him. She is in LA working and spending time with her family whilst he was working in London. She does know that he is in LA for a few days but she claims to be too busy to see him. He is fine with that. No Mezhgan means no awkward or strained conversations for the few days that he was in LA. Of course he wanted to see her but things were starting to get on top of him and an argument with her was something he didn't need.
He let out a big sigh in frustration as he looked down at the mountain of paperwork sitting on his desk in front of him. He was a workaholic who loved his work but right now he couldn't stand the sight of it. He just wanted it to go away and never come back when suddenly the repugnant silence was broken. Broken by the loud ringing of his cell phone. He was a little shocked when he read the name aloud. "Wendy." Why would Wendy be calling?
"This is a new low Paula," he spat as he answered the phone. He wasn't in the mood for any of this today.
"It's not Paula. It's Wendy!" came the angry voice. "You need to come to Cedars Sini now!"
"Why?" he stuttered, shocked at the quick turn of the conversation.
"There is something really wrong with Lexi-"
"I'm coming!" he said, hanging up the phone before Wendy could finish.
He rushed to his car and sped off in the direction of the hospital. His mind was spinning, going a mile a minute as he drove. Lexi was in the hospital. Was she ill? Dying? Dead? Fine? What? He didn't know and it was sending him into a frenzy. His daughter - wait! His daughter? Yes, she was… is his daughter.
He was suddenly consumed with huge waves of guilt as the realisation that he has a daughter hits him. He has a daughter and he has missed out on so much of her life because he was too hurt and angry by her mothers actions. He has punished his daughter when she hadn't done a thing wrong.
*
His couldn't hear his own thoughts over the loudness in his head that was his thumping heartbeat as he pushed open the door to the hospital waiting room where Paula and her family were waiting. Not waiting for him but for any news on Alexia.
He stopped, pausing momentarily as he opened the doors to see the family gathered around a weeping Paula. It hurt to see her so pained. It did. He quickly snapped out of his little moment and rushed over to them. The concern for Alexia taking over him, clouding everything.
"Where is she?" he bellowed, launching himself at Paula, his voice laced with pain as he looked at her. He tried to not let the look of anguish and pain affect him.
"We'll give you two a minute," Wendy said softly as she led her mum, dad and two sons out of the waiting room.
"Paula?" he whispered.
"It was time for her dinner so I was feeding her when she suddenly she started wheezing and her face swelled. I didn't know what to do so I called Wendy who told me to take her to the hospital," she sobbed, burying her face into her hands.
He was about to reply. The words were all formed in his mouth when suddenly a doctor burst through the door and Paula shot up out of her seat, launching herself at the doctor, firing questions at him.
"Your daughter is going to be fine. She went into Anaphylactic shock so we had to inject her with Epinephrine to try and stop the anaphylactic shock. It worked. We want to keep her here overnight for observation just in case. We also need to work out why it happened so that we can try and prevent it from happening again. Has she ever shown any of the symptoms before?"
"Definitely not," she answered.
"So today was the first time that they have developed?"
"Yes."
"Has she been in contact with anything which may contain nuts?"
"Yes!" she said. "I was experimenting with new foods for her. Her dinner tonight definitely had crushed nuts in it. Oh God. This is my fault," she whispered as she sat back down on her chair, totally shut off.
"Does my daughter have a nut allergy?" Simon asked.
"It looks that way Mr Cowell. We'll run some more tests to see."
"Can we see her?" he asked.
"Yes but please make it no more than two at a time. This way," the doctor instructed.
She smiled slightly despite the situation when she felt him linking their fingers together as they followed the doctor to the Paediatric ward where Alexia was. She could have pushed him away, screamed and yelled at him, made a scene as they were led to their daughter but she didn't. She didn't want to. He was here that was all she needed.
She fought the urge to cry as they entered the ward where she immediately spotted Alexia laying in her bed, kicking her little feet up in the air as she watched the mobile. It took her a few moments to notice as she stood by the crib watching her daughter that Simon wasn't stood anywhere them. "Why are you standing so far away?" she asked as she turned to face him unprepared to see the fear and guilt written across his face. "Simon," she whispered.
"She doesn't know who I am. I don't want to scare her," he whispered as he looked down at the floor.
"You're her daddy. She knows that. Come here." He didn't move. "Come on," she whispered as she held her hand out for him to take. She smiled when she watched him taking the hand she offered and walked hesitantly closer to the crib. "Talk to her."
"Hi," he whispered bashfully as Alexia turned her attention from the mobile to him and their eyes locked. Father and daughter stared at one another. It was as if there was no one else in existence. It was just the two of them and suddenly he felt as if the walls were closing in on him, he couldn't breathe. He had to get out of there. "I can't do this," he whispered as he turned and ran out of the room, ignoring the cry which escaped Alexia's mouth at the sight of her father running from her.
*
"Simon." he lifted his head at the sound of his name. He looked up to see Wendy standing in front of him with what smelled like a cup of Earl Grey tea. "For you," she said, handing it to him before taking a seat next to him. He was sitting out on the private balcony away from prying eyes and ears.
"Thanks," he mumbled before taking a sip, sighing in appreciation as the familiar warm liquid flowed past his lips. Just a simple beverage, a taste of home helped to take just a small part of his pain and anxiety away. "Here to scream at me?" he whispered hoarsely.
"No. I came to see how you were. Paula was really worried when you ran out like that after all it's taken to get you here," Wendy replied.
"Don't start on that," his hissed softly.
"Why did you leave?" she asked, changing the topic.
"I couldn't breathe. I felt suffocated. She nearly died and I've spent less than five minutes with her in her whole life."
"You were hurt. I would be. And yes she is my sister and I love her beyond words but I cannot even begin to imagine what you must have been feeling. I know it doesn't make up for you not being there and being able see it first hand but we have everything on video. Paula had them made in case you got in contact. Do you want me to get them and take them over to your house?" she asked.
"Please," he whispered, his voice cracking slightly. "Please."
"I'll do it when I get home. Now let's go and see your daughter. She misses you terribly," she said, standing so that she could hold a hand for Simon.
"Let's go see my little girl," he whispered, a smile gracing his lips.
Friday, 29 October 2010
Unspoken Words
Chapter 2.
He can feel her looking up at him. Her eyes are filled with tears as she does her eyes are burning into him but he can’t look at her, he just can’t. His eyes, his gaze is transfixed on her arms, on the little bundle who lay there as she slept softly. He watched as she nuzzled into her mother and let out a little sigh in her sleep.
She looked so much like Paula. He could tell this only from seeing her face. Her little face was pinched in sleep, her breathes so cute and wispy. He was unable to move. He couldn’t look away from the little girl even as Paula stood from the rocking chair and placed her in the small, pink crib which was situated across the room.
“Simon,” he looked down at his feet as he heard her whisper his name whilst she walked closer to him. Closer to him after all that time apart. He couldn’t look at her because if he did then he would be forced to admit that this was all real. It wasn’t a dream that she really had left him, that she’d vanished for a year with no word at all as too whether she was safe and well or not.
She was a mother. She’d become a mother and she’d not told him. That fact made him feel as if someone had taken a hammer to his heart and shattered it in one fail swoop. He wasn’t feeling anything. She’d always been the one who pulled so many of his strings and today was no exception. Even after a year of no contact between them she still had such an impact over him.
“Her name is Alexia Grace Abdul. She was born the on the first of May this year in my friends bed. I was in Alaska. That is where I have been the whole time. I went into labour and it progressed so quickly that there was no time for my friend to take me to a hospital. It would have taken us at least half an hour to get that and it seems that Lexi didn’t want to wait that long. Her name means warrior in Greek. Her father is no one. It was just a one night stand which had consequences. And before you say it yes, I know I don’t do one night stands.”
He was going to speak. He was going to say something. He was. He was until they heard Ryan’s voice behind him, shocked and stunned by what he saw in front of him.
“Whose that?” he asked. “What’s going?” he asked, his gaze darting from Paula and Simon and back again.
She watched as Simon looked at her briefly in the eye before turning to face Ryan where he uttered the words: “She’s had a baby without us Ryan. Let’s go.” She would have cried as she watched the two of them turn and walk away from her but no she had more important things to do because the noise had startled her baby girl from her sleep.
*
“What am I going to do Wendy? He hates me!” she wailed as she entered the kitchen where Wendy was waiting with coffee once she’d made sure the door to the nursery was shut and the baby monitor was safe in her hand. “I’ve text him and text him and text him till I am blue in the face! Does he reply? No, he doesn’t!”
“What do you want me to say?” Wendy replied. “We all had to completely cut him out of our lives because you’d gotten knocked up and decided to run away!”
“You know why I left! You know the reason and why it mustn’t come out!” She sparred back as she fought her tears.
“Yes,” Wendy whispered, her voice absent from the hard edge it had possessed just moments before. “I know why and I’m not judging you. But you have no idea what it was like for us pretending that we knew nothing, cutting him and Ryan out the way we did. It was horrible. You left with no reason, no word. No, nothing. They knew nothing. I can’t even begin to imagine what it was like for him and Ryan when you were gone. Simon thought you were dead. The look on his face when he whispered that will forever be imprinted into my head. So I think it is understandable that neither of them wants to speak to you but at least neither has gone to the press about Lexi,” Wendy finished with a big sigh emanating from her lips. She felt so guilty about saying it but she needed to say it.
“I know. I know. I understand. It just hurts that they won’t speak to me. I honestly half-expected them all to rush at me and never let me go when they found out that I was back, but then the other part of me knew they would react like this. I knew they’d hate me. Well at least Randy still loves me. He came round when mum had taken Lexi for a few hours so he doesn’t know. I told him I needed time out so I went away to work on some songs. I just miss him. I miss Simon,” she whispered, her voice shaking as she touched the locket around her neck. The locket that Simon had given her the Christmas before her last Idol season aired.
“I know you do. I know you do Hun. But what’s done is done. You have to let them adjust to what they both know. Let them deal with it in their own. Besides you’ve got the finale next week. You can see him next week and Ryan. Anyways give Lexi a kiss from me I got to go. Bye,” she said, pausing as she kissed her sister on the cheek before making a swift exit.
*
“To serve with love.”
She couldn’t believe how quickly the night had flown. She couldn’t ignore the rush of happiness which had flooded through her when the two of them were reunited. Especially when she came to sit on his lap and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her like he used to before when he could still stomach the sight of her.
They’d pretended like the true actors they were. The media was buzzing with news of ‘Saula.’ People were literally foaming at the mouth after the Idol finale. She’d seen some of the forums and it broke her heart to know the truth. She wished for just a moment that she could be as blissfully ignorant as everyone else and to believe that ‘Saula’ was alive and kicking.
The one good thing about all of this was Alexia. She loved her baby girl more than anything in this world. She truly was the light of her life and despite the way things had turned she wouldn’t change any of it because if she did then she wouldn’t have her baby girl; she wouldn’t have Alexia.
*
“Simon you have got to let it go,” Ryan pleaded once more.
“I can’t let it go!” he yelled. “She’s lying to me and I want to know the truth. Paula never ever has one night stands. Ever. So why now? There is more to the story and I want to know what it is.”
“What about your fiancée? Hmm?? What about Mezhgan Simon? She is supposed to be the ’one’ and yet you are obsessed with another woman! You have feelings for Paula don’t you? Mezhgan is nothing more than a distraction so that you don’t have to face what you are really feeling, isn’t she? Admit it!” Ryan yelled as he saw the look of anger on Simon’s face. He’d quite clearly hit a nerve.
“There is nothing to admit. I have to get through some paper work before I fly back to England tomorrow so I’d appreciate it if you left,” Simon snarled as he focused his attention back to his desk.
“Grow the fuck up Simon!” Ryan snapped before he complied with Simon’s wishes and left. Except Simon didn’t know that Ryan was leaving because he had to be in a different place.
*
“Paula, Paula,” he whispered once he stepped quietly into her hallway. He knew the baby might be asleep and so he didn’t want to disturb her so he decided that whispering might be his best bet. He’d only seen a glance of Alexia and it had left him disturbed. There was something familiar about the little girl but he couldn’t work out what.
Simon’s slip of words was still playing on his mind. ‘She didn’t even tell me she was leaving especially after -’ After what he wondered. He hadn’t dared ask Simon about it again considering the reaction he’d gotten for asking in the first place. It hadn’t stopped him thinking about it, what it could be.
“Paula,” he whispered once more as he headed into the living room only to find her asleep on the sofa. The TV was on in the background. He smiled at the thought her falling asleep whilst watching a movie. Some chick flick by the look of it. “Paula,” he whispered as he knelt beside her and shook her shoulder softly so she awakened.
“Ryan what are you doing here?” she asked, covering her mouth as she yawned before stretching and sitting up.
“I want to know the truth. I know that both you and Simon are lying about something, particularly you and I want to know what. I know that you weren’t telling the truth about Alexia’s father being a one night stand. Simon is convinced you are lying and I believe him.”
“I’m not lying!” she protested. He knows she’s lying because she refuses to look him in the eyes. She is looking at her arms whilst she fiddles with a piece of material to her sleeve. “I’m not lying!” She protested once more when she looks up to see him staring at her, the look on his face telling her that he doesn’t believe a word she is saying and why should he when she’s not telling the truth.
“Don’t treat me like I am some kind of idiot. Why do you have to keep lying to me? To us? Why? I know something happened between the two of you and I want to know what so tell me and stop lying!”
“Ok,” she whispered as she finally looked him in the eye. “I lied. I lied. I lied. I lied!” she said sobbing.
“Paula?” he asked softly.
“It was a one night stand. That part is at least true but the part where I said I didn’t know the identity of the father well that is a lie. I know who the father is.”
“Who?” he asked after she’d stayed quiet too long.
“Simon,” she whispered. “Simon is the father. The fantastic Simon Phillip Cowell knocked me up after a one night stand!” she spat angrily.
“I don’t understand,” he replied as he moved closer to her on the sofa.
“We had sex and he wasn’t single! I mean it just happened. He was over here, we were drinking wine and watching a movie. Then it just happened. It was like we were the only two people in the world but then the morning came along with the real world. I woke up all wrapped in his arms. It was like something out of a fairytale. It was perfect but then his phone rang. It was her. His girlfriend well no she’s his fiancée now. We didn’t say a word to one another whilst he was leaving. Three weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. I had to leave. I don’t know why but I did. So I called my friend Amy who lives up in Alaska and asked if I could stay with her. She said yes so I cancelled all my commitments and off I went.”
“Simon!” she gasped loudly as the two of them turned to the archway only to see Simon standing there. His eyes were ablaze with anger and hurt. Had he heard everything? “What did you hear?” she asked as she stood and made a few steps over to him.
He says nothing. He merely opens up his wallet before taking out some bills and throwing them at her. “I’m not her father! Don’t you dare reveal this to anyone! I never will be a father!”
“Simon!” she screams as she falls into Ryan’s arms in tears. “He’s gone and he isn’t coming back!”
He can feel her looking up at him. Her eyes are filled with tears as she does her eyes are burning into him but he can’t look at her, he just can’t. His eyes, his gaze is transfixed on her arms, on the little bundle who lay there as she slept softly. He watched as she nuzzled into her mother and let out a little sigh in her sleep.
She looked so much like Paula. He could tell this only from seeing her face. Her little face was pinched in sleep, her breathes so cute and wispy. He was unable to move. He couldn’t look away from the little girl even as Paula stood from the rocking chair and placed her in the small, pink crib which was situated across the room.
“Simon,” he looked down at his feet as he heard her whisper his name whilst she walked closer to him. Closer to him after all that time apart. He couldn’t look at her because if he did then he would be forced to admit that this was all real. It wasn’t a dream that she really had left him, that she’d vanished for a year with no word at all as too whether she was safe and well or not.
She was a mother. She’d become a mother and she’d not told him. That fact made him feel as if someone had taken a hammer to his heart and shattered it in one fail swoop. He wasn’t feeling anything. She’d always been the one who pulled so many of his strings and today was no exception. Even after a year of no contact between them she still had such an impact over him.
“Her name is Alexia Grace Abdul. She was born the on the first of May this year in my friends bed. I was in Alaska. That is where I have been the whole time. I went into labour and it progressed so quickly that there was no time for my friend to take me to a hospital. It would have taken us at least half an hour to get that and it seems that Lexi didn’t want to wait that long. Her name means warrior in Greek. Her father is no one. It was just a one night stand which had consequences. And before you say it yes, I know I don’t do one night stands.”
He was going to speak. He was going to say something. He was. He was until they heard Ryan’s voice behind him, shocked and stunned by what he saw in front of him.
“Whose that?” he asked. “What’s going?” he asked, his gaze darting from Paula and Simon and back again.
She watched as Simon looked at her briefly in the eye before turning to face Ryan where he uttered the words: “She’s had a baby without us Ryan. Let’s go.” She would have cried as she watched the two of them turn and walk away from her but no she had more important things to do because the noise had startled her baby girl from her sleep.
*
“What am I going to do Wendy? He hates me!” she wailed as she entered the kitchen where Wendy was waiting with coffee once she’d made sure the door to the nursery was shut and the baby monitor was safe in her hand. “I’ve text him and text him and text him till I am blue in the face! Does he reply? No, he doesn’t!”
“What do you want me to say?” Wendy replied. “We all had to completely cut him out of our lives because you’d gotten knocked up and decided to run away!”
“You know why I left! You know the reason and why it mustn’t come out!” She sparred back as she fought her tears.
“Yes,” Wendy whispered, her voice absent from the hard edge it had possessed just moments before. “I know why and I’m not judging you. But you have no idea what it was like for us pretending that we knew nothing, cutting him and Ryan out the way we did. It was horrible. You left with no reason, no word. No, nothing. They knew nothing. I can’t even begin to imagine what it was like for him and Ryan when you were gone. Simon thought you were dead. The look on his face when he whispered that will forever be imprinted into my head. So I think it is understandable that neither of them wants to speak to you but at least neither has gone to the press about Lexi,” Wendy finished with a big sigh emanating from her lips. She felt so guilty about saying it but she needed to say it.
“I know. I know. I understand. It just hurts that they won’t speak to me. I honestly half-expected them all to rush at me and never let me go when they found out that I was back, but then the other part of me knew they would react like this. I knew they’d hate me. Well at least Randy still loves me. He came round when mum had taken Lexi for a few hours so he doesn’t know. I told him I needed time out so I went away to work on some songs. I just miss him. I miss Simon,” she whispered, her voice shaking as she touched the locket around her neck. The locket that Simon had given her the Christmas before her last Idol season aired.
“I know you do. I know you do Hun. But what’s done is done. You have to let them adjust to what they both know. Let them deal with it in their own. Besides you’ve got the finale next week. You can see him next week and Ryan. Anyways give Lexi a kiss from me I got to go. Bye,” she said, pausing as she kissed her sister on the cheek before making a swift exit.
*
“To serve with love.”
She couldn’t believe how quickly the night had flown. She couldn’t ignore the rush of happiness which had flooded through her when the two of them were reunited. Especially when she came to sit on his lap and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her like he used to before when he could still stomach the sight of her.
They’d pretended like the true actors they were. The media was buzzing with news of ‘Saula.’ People were literally foaming at the mouth after the Idol finale. She’d seen some of the forums and it broke her heart to know the truth. She wished for just a moment that she could be as blissfully ignorant as everyone else and to believe that ‘Saula’ was alive and kicking.
The one good thing about all of this was Alexia. She loved her baby girl more than anything in this world. She truly was the light of her life and despite the way things had turned she wouldn’t change any of it because if she did then she wouldn’t have her baby girl; she wouldn’t have Alexia.
*
“Simon you have got to let it go,” Ryan pleaded once more.
“I can’t let it go!” he yelled. “She’s lying to me and I want to know the truth. Paula never ever has one night stands. Ever. So why now? There is more to the story and I want to know what it is.”
“What about your fiancée? Hmm?? What about Mezhgan Simon? She is supposed to be the ’one’ and yet you are obsessed with another woman! You have feelings for Paula don’t you? Mezhgan is nothing more than a distraction so that you don’t have to face what you are really feeling, isn’t she? Admit it!” Ryan yelled as he saw the look of anger on Simon’s face. He’d quite clearly hit a nerve.
“There is nothing to admit. I have to get through some paper work before I fly back to England tomorrow so I’d appreciate it if you left,” Simon snarled as he focused his attention back to his desk.
“Grow the fuck up Simon!” Ryan snapped before he complied with Simon’s wishes and left. Except Simon didn’t know that Ryan was leaving because he had to be in a different place.
*
“Paula, Paula,” he whispered once he stepped quietly into her hallway. He knew the baby might be asleep and so he didn’t want to disturb her so he decided that whispering might be his best bet. He’d only seen a glance of Alexia and it had left him disturbed. There was something familiar about the little girl but he couldn’t work out what.
Simon’s slip of words was still playing on his mind. ‘She didn’t even tell me she was leaving especially after -’ After what he wondered. He hadn’t dared ask Simon about it again considering the reaction he’d gotten for asking in the first place. It hadn’t stopped him thinking about it, what it could be.
“Paula,” he whispered once more as he headed into the living room only to find her asleep on the sofa. The TV was on in the background. He smiled at the thought her falling asleep whilst watching a movie. Some chick flick by the look of it. “Paula,” he whispered as he knelt beside her and shook her shoulder softly so she awakened.
“Ryan what are you doing here?” she asked, covering her mouth as she yawned before stretching and sitting up.
“I want to know the truth. I know that both you and Simon are lying about something, particularly you and I want to know what. I know that you weren’t telling the truth about Alexia’s father being a one night stand. Simon is convinced you are lying and I believe him.”
“I’m not lying!” she protested. He knows she’s lying because she refuses to look him in the eyes. She is looking at her arms whilst she fiddles with a piece of material to her sleeve. “I’m not lying!” She protested once more when she looks up to see him staring at her, the look on his face telling her that he doesn’t believe a word she is saying and why should he when she’s not telling the truth.
“Don’t treat me like I am some kind of idiot. Why do you have to keep lying to me? To us? Why? I know something happened between the two of you and I want to know what so tell me and stop lying!”
“Ok,” she whispered as she finally looked him in the eye. “I lied. I lied. I lied. I lied!” she said sobbing.
“Paula?” he asked softly.
“It was a one night stand. That part is at least true but the part where I said I didn’t know the identity of the father well that is a lie. I know who the father is.”
“Who?” he asked after she’d stayed quiet too long.
“Simon,” she whispered. “Simon is the father. The fantastic Simon Phillip Cowell knocked me up after a one night stand!” she spat angrily.
“I don’t understand,” he replied as he moved closer to her on the sofa.
“We had sex and he wasn’t single! I mean it just happened. He was over here, we were drinking wine and watching a movie. Then it just happened. It was like we were the only two people in the world but then the morning came along with the real world. I woke up all wrapped in his arms. It was like something out of a fairytale. It was perfect but then his phone rang. It was her. His girlfriend well no she’s his fiancée now. We didn’t say a word to one another whilst he was leaving. Three weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. I had to leave. I don’t know why but I did. So I called my friend Amy who lives up in Alaska and asked if I could stay with her. She said yes so I cancelled all my commitments and off I went.”
“Simon!” she gasped loudly as the two of them turned to the archway only to see Simon standing there. His eyes were ablaze with anger and hurt. Had he heard everything? “What did you hear?” she asked as she stood and made a few steps over to him.
He says nothing. He merely opens up his wallet before taking out some bills and throwing them at her. “I’m not her father! Don’t you dare reveal this to anyone! I never will be a father!”
“Simon!” she screams as she falls into Ryan’s arms in tears. “He’s gone and he isn’t coming back!”
Thursday, 28 October 2010
Unspoken Words
Chapter 1.
You could a pin drop, every breath in and every exhale as the sudden and deafening silence that filled the room like dark, poisonous cloud. He could literally hear as if he were a machine, the internal cogs wiring around inside of him at the speed of a mile a minute whilst he sat in the bed his mind reliving the news of her return over and over again.
She's returned. He should be overjoyed that she is back. That she is alive, safe and well but no he isn't; he's angry and in disbelief. He doesn't believe what he just heard and saw. His mind must be playing tricks on him. Maybe his age is finally catching up with him or something. Better yet this must be a nightmare. Some sick trick that his subconscious has decided to play on him because she is here. She never left. None of this is real. None of it.
He saw his mind flying back. Flying back to the past of moments already gone. He saw her leaning over him after she'd barged through his dressing room door intent on apologising to him for her outburst on air regarding his father and what happened after.
*
He wouldn't cry. He wouldn't cry because he couldn't cry. He was numb. He felt nothing as he sat and stared out of his dressing room window watching the city below him burned brightly, the people, the places all alive continuing their lives totally unaware of his pained stare from above.
He was still here, still sat in his dressing room numbed, totally numbed and unable to leave. There was something, through his numbed haze he didn't know what, was compelling him to stay and not leave. He couldn't leave, he was uncertain as to whether he wanted to leave or not. He just didn't know.
He just didn't know as he kept hearing her voice over and over again in his head. It took him a while to realise that her voice wasn't in his head, it was real and in the same room as him; she was here. She was here with him.
"Simon," he shuddered as he heard her soft whisper behind him, her hand on his shoulder, her touch burning through his clothes, scorching his skin.
He opened his mouth to speak but no words were formed. His mouth moved in a silent motion before he brought his lips together pursing them tightly whilst his face conveyed an expression of little or no emotion. Her voice filled him with emotion, the feeling of total numbness seemed to change and transform.
"Simon," she repeated, her voice a little stronger than before as she moved to sit next to him on the sofa. Her line of vision the same as his whilst he continued to gaze out the window. "I'm sorry. I didn't know about your dad. I honestly didn't," she sighed. "I guess there is a lot that I don't know about you huh? Simon say something. Anything please?" His silence was deafening, worrying as the two sat in total silence.
"Who told you?" she turned her head to the source of the whisper. He was looking at her. His eyes filled with unshed tears, his jaw tightly set, his body tense. He was staring at her and she found it very unnerving, so uncomfortable. She could feel herself trying not to squirm to show that he wasn't affecting her as he stared at her with a painful stare. "Who told you?" he said again, his voice stern and angry.
"Nigel. Nigel told me," she replied, her gaze lowered to her legs as she addressed him. "After you left he pulled me aside and he told me everything. Simon I'm so sorry. You've no idea how sorry I am for what I said and when I said it."
"Sorry!" he scoffed. He stood and moved over to the window before turning to her his eyes were ablaze with anger and what looked like betrayal. "Sorry! You aren't sorry! You don't know the meaning of the word. You hate me. I've belittled you for months and you've been waiting for your revenge. Well congratulations because tonight you finally succeeded. You finally hurt me more than I ever hurt you, I suspect. So please, I'd like it if you and your pity would leave me alone now. I said GO!" he screamed when she remained in her spot, unmoving, her eyes, her gaze was now focused on him.
"No!" she said, sparring back at him.
"I said GO! Why won't you go?" he questioned as he turned to face the window, trying to ignore her to get the message and to leave him alone. He'd be fine once he'd had a little time to calm down.
"Because Simon you need me. Look at you! I can see what my words are doing to you and it really hurts me to know that it was me who caused you this pain. Except I snapped and said what I said not meaning to cause you any pain whereas you meant to hurt me!" she screamed, her voice full of her built-up emotion. "Every time you made me cry, you meant it!
"You bitch!" he screamed, his voice full of rage as he moved across the room and pushed her up against the wall, his lips covering hers in a hot, passionate kiss. He moaned loudly into her mouth as she moved to wrap her legs tightly around his waist pulling him closer to her, her pelvis crushed sensually against his whilst he thrust his tongue into her mouth, his hands falling to ass.
"Oh God!" she moaned aloud as she felt the air hitting her chest as he swiftly pushed her top up and bared her to him; she wasn't wearing a bra. His mouth roughly came down on her and bit down hard before he used his tongue to sooth her.
Before she knew it she let out a scream as he thrust his rock hard erection into her wet, heaving womanhood. Both applied all the hurt pain into their movements; the clenching of her walls, the angle and thrust of his hips left them both screaming, yearning for more as it brought them closer and closer to the edge.
*
He remembered how afterwards when they come down from their high and redressed that she had slapped him across the face before leaving him alone in his dressing room. It had also been the day when things had changed between them. It had almost been as if that one comment and it's consequences had actually had a positive effect because it had brought them so much closer together.
"I'm coming to get you!" he said into the phone before hanging up. He needed to get dressed. There was no way he could go out in his current state of dress or lack there of.
"Where are you going? Simon!" Mezhgan screamed as Simon rushed out of the room with his keys, phone and Kools in hand. "Simon!" she screamed once more as he completely ignored her. She suspected that it had something to do with what Paula's return. Her return from what she didn't know.
*
"What the hell is going on?" Ryan asked as Simon pulled out of the driveway and sped off down the road at a speed which Ryan knew to be illegal.
"She's back! You saw!" Simon snapped in reply, his eyes focused on the road ahead of him as he successfully sped through the streets of Los Angeles towards the nearest entrance to the freeway. "How the hell can she just reappear after all this time? What the fuck is wrong with her? Who the hell does she think she fucking us around like this, huh?"
"Slow down!" Ryan screamed as he glanced over at the Speedo and so it was well over 120. "Your going to bloody kill us! How are we supposed to find out what the fuck is going on with her if we are dead?" he let out a sigh of relief as he saw the arrow on the Speedo fall, indicating that Simon had dramatically reduced their speed so that they were just going the limit.
"I'm sorry," Simon whispered, his voice so soft that Ryan nearly missed it. "I've missed her. It's been killing me not knowing what the hell is going on. Where she is? If she was ok or was she injured or dead? I knew nothing and it nearly tore me up inside. I missed my poodle so excuse me for being just a little pissed to turn on my TV and find that she is back. She's back and she didn't tell me. She didn't even tell me she was leaving especially after -"
"After what?" Ryan cut in before Simon had the chance to retract his words. The words that Ryan could quite clearly tell by the look on Simon's face that he hadn't meant to say. They had been a quite accidental slip of the tongue. "After what Simon?"
"Nothing. It was nothing Ryan so just drop it and pretend that you never heard anything, ok?" Simon replied, his voice strained as he spoke showing to Ryan that is quite clearly wasn't 'nothing' but Ryan knew not to press him especially now.
The rest of the journey was spent in an awkward silence as they continued to speed through the streets of Los Angeles which lead them to her house. The house she still owned. Neither knew what to say or if they actually wanted to say anything at all.
Ryan knew there was more to the relationship between Simon and Paula than even their close friends knew but it was one of the things which should always remain private between Simon and Paula. One of those things which are always kept secret and never revealed.
"Someone's home," Ryan snapped out of his revere when he heard Simon's whisper. He realised the car had come to a stop. They'd arrived; they were at her house and clearly someone was home because the curtains were opened which was unusual seeing as they'd been closed for nearly a year since she'd vanished.
"I'll search downstairs and you search upstairs," Ryan said softly after Simon had fished the front door key she'd given them out of his pocket. Years ago Paula had given Ryan, Randy and Simon a key each and the code to her house if ever there was an emergency; this was an emergency.
He could feel his heart pound violently in his chest, his heartbeat loud and deafening in his ears as he watched Ryan disappear from view and into the kitchen whilst he slowly ascended the stairs to the first floor of her home. The floor where it happened. No, nothing happened he wouldn't be thinking about that anymore. He couldn't.
"God," he whispered softly as he reached the top of the stairs. He felt like such a criminal as he snuck into her house to try and find her. He felt as if he was going to wake up any minute because this was all one big, horrible dream.
"What?" he whispered as he came to a complete stop. He heard something; something which sounded so, so familiar to him. Something that he hadn't heard in so long; someone was singing. He rushed towards the sound eager to find out what it was.
He opened the door to what was her spare bedroom and he wished he hadn't. He wished from that particular moment he'd never turned on the TV just those few hours before because now he had his answer and he wasn't sure as too whether he wanted it.
There sat in a rocking chair was the woman he'd not seen for nearly a year. The woman who had plagued his thoughts and his dreams. Yes, there sat Paula Abdul with a beautiful, little baby girl sleeping contently in her arms.
You could a pin drop, every breath in and every exhale as the sudden and deafening silence that filled the room like dark, poisonous cloud. He could literally hear as if he were a machine, the internal cogs wiring around inside of him at the speed of a mile a minute whilst he sat in the bed his mind reliving the news of her return over and over again.
She's returned. He should be overjoyed that she is back. That she is alive, safe and well but no he isn't; he's angry and in disbelief. He doesn't believe what he just heard and saw. His mind must be playing tricks on him. Maybe his age is finally catching up with him or something. Better yet this must be a nightmare. Some sick trick that his subconscious has decided to play on him because she is here. She never left. None of this is real. None of it.
He saw his mind flying back. Flying back to the past of moments already gone. He saw her leaning over him after she'd barged through his dressing room door intent on apologising to him for her outburst on air regarding his father and what happened after.
*
He wouldn't cry. He wouldn't cry because he couldn't cry. He was numb. He felt nothing as he sat and stared out of his dressing room window watching the city below him burned brightly, the people, the places all alive continuing their lives totally unaware of his pained stare from above.
He was still here, still sat in his dressing room numbed, totally numbed and unable to leave. There was something, through his numbed haze he didn't know what, was compelling him to stay and not leave. He couldn't leave, he was uncertain as to whether he wanted to leave or not. He just didn't know.
He just didn't know as he kept hearing her voice over and over again in his head. It took him a while to realise that her voice wasn't in his head, it was real and in the same room as him; she was here. She was here with him.
"Simon," he shuddered as he heard her soft whisper behind him, her hand on his shoulder, her touch burning through his clothes, scorching his skin.
He opened his mouth to speak but no words were formed. His mouth moved in a silent motion before he brought his lips together pursing them tightly whilst his face conveyed an expression of little or no emotion. Her voice filled him with emotion, the feeling of total numbness seemed to change and transform.
"Simon," she repeated, her voice a little stronger than before as she moved to sit next to him on the sofa. Her line of vision the same as his whilst he continued to gaze out the window. "I'm sorry. I didn't know about your dad. I honestly didn't," she sighed. "I guess there is a lot that I don't know about you huh? Simon say something. Anything please?" His silence was deafening, worrying as the two sat in total silence.
"Who told you?" she turned her head to the source of the whisper. He was looking at her. His eyes filled with unshed tears, his jaw tightly set, his body tense. He was staring at her and she found it very unnerving, so uncomfortable. She could feel herself trying not to squirm to show that he wasn't affecting her as he stared at her with a painful stare. "Who told you?" he said again, his voice stern and angry.
"Nigel. Nigel told me," she replied, her gaze lowered to her legs as she addressed him. "After you left he pulled me aside and he told me everything. Simon I'm so sorry. You've no idea how sorry I am for what I said and when I said it."
"Sorry!" he scoffed. He stood and moved over to the window before turning to her his eyes were ablaze with anger and what looked like betrayal. "Sorry! You aren't sorry! You don't know the meaning of the word. You hate me. I've belittled you for months and you've been waiting for your revenge. Well congratulations because tonight you finally succeeded. You finally hurt me more than I ever hurt you, I suspect. So please, I'd like it if you and your pity would leave me alone now. I said GO!" he screamed when she remained in her spot, unmoving, her eyes, her gaze was now focused on him.
"No!" she said, sparring back at him.
"I said GO! Why won't you go?" he questioned as he turned to face the window, trying to ignore her to get the message and to leave him alone. He'd be fine once he'd had a little time to calm down.
"Because Simon you need me. Look at you! I can see what my words are doing to you and it really hurts me to know that it was me who caused you this pain. Except I snapped and said what I said not meaning to cause you any pain whereas you meant to hurt me!" she screamed, her voice full of her built-up emotion. "Every time you made me cry, you meant it!
"You bitch!" he screamed, his voice full of rage as he moved across the room and pushed her up against the wall, his lips covering hers in a hot, passionate kiss. He moaned loudly into her mouth as she moved to wrap her legs tightly around his waist pulling him closer to her, her pelvis crushed sensually against his whilst he thrust his tongue into her mouth, his hands falling to ass.
"Oh God!" she moaned aloud as she felt the air hitting her chest as he swiftly pushed her top up and bared her to him; she wasn't wearing a bra. His mouth roughly came down on her and bit down hard before he used his tongue to sooth her.
Before she knew it she let out a scream as he thrust his rock hard erection into her wet, heaving womanhood. Both applied all the hurt pain into their movements; the clenching of her walls, the angle and thrust of his hips left them both screaming, yearning for more as it brought them closer and closer to the edge.
*
He remembered how afterwards when they come down from their high and redressed that she had slapped him across the face before leaving him alone in his dressing room. It had also been the day when things had changed between them. It had almost been as if that one comment and it's consequences had actually had a positive effect because it had brought them so much closer together.
"I'm coming to get you!" he said into the phone before hanging up. He needed to get dressed. There was no way he could go out in his current state of dress or lack there of.
"Where are you going? Simon!" Mezhgan screamed as Simon rushed out of the room with his keys, phone and Kools in hand. "Simon!" she screamed once more as he completely ignored her. She suspected that it had something to do with what Paula's return. Her return from what she didn't know.
*
"What the hell is going on?" Ryan asked as Simon pulled out of the driveway and sped off down the road at a speed which Ryan knew to be illegal.
"She's back! You saw!" Simon snapped in reply, his eyes focused on the road ahead of him as he successfully sped through the streets of Los Angeles towards the nearest entrance to the freeway. "How the hell can she just reappear after all this time? What the fuck is wrong with her? Who the hell does she think she fucking us around like this, huh?"
"Slow down!" Ryan screamed as he glanced over at the Speedo and so it was well over 120. "Your going to bloody kill us! How are we supposed to find out what the fuck is going on with her if we are dead?" he let out a sigh of relief as he saw the arrow on the Speedo fall, indicating that Simon had dramatically reduced their speed so that they were just going the limit.
"I'm sorry," Simon whispered, his voice so soft that Ryan nearly missed it. "I've missed her. It's been killing me not knowing what the hell is going on. Where she is? If she was ok or was she injured or dead? I knew nothing and it nearly tore me up inside. I missed my poodle so excuse me for being just a little pissed to turn on my TV and find that she is back. She's back and she didn't tell me. She didn't even tell me she was leaving especially after -"
"After what?" Ryan cut in before Simon had the chance to retract his words. The words that Ryan could quite clearly tell by the look on Simon's face that he hadn't meant to say. They had been a quite accidental slip of the tongue. "After what Simon?"
"Nothing. It was nothing Ryan so just drop it and pretend that you never heard anything, ok?" Simon replied, his voice strained as he spoke showing to Ryan that is quite clearly wasn't 'nothing' but Ryan knew not to press him especially now.
The rest of the journey was spent in an awkward silence as they continued to speed through the streets of Los Angeles which lead them to her house. The house she still owned. Neither knew what to say or if they actually wanted to say anything at all.
Ryan knew there was more to the relationship between Simon and Paula than even their close friends knew but it was one of the things which should always remain private between Simon and Paula. One of those things which are always kept secret and never revealed.
"Someone's home," Ryan snapped out of his revere when he heard Simon's whisper. He realised the car had come to a stop. They'd arrived; they were at her house and clearly someone was home because the curtains were opened which was unusual seeing as they'd been closed for nearly a year since she'd vanished.
"I'll search downstairs and you search upstairs," Ryan said softly after Simon had fished the front door key she'd given them out of his pocket. Years ago Paula had given Ryan, Randy and Simon a key each and the code to her house if ever there was an emergency; this was an emergency.
He could feel his heart pound violently in his chest, his heartbeat loud and deafening in his ears as he watched Ryan disappear from view and into the kitchen whilst he slowly ascended the stairs to the first floor of her home. The floor where it happened. No, nothing happened he wouldn't be thinking about that anymore. He couldn't.
"God," he whispered softly as he reached the top of the stairs. He felt like such a criminal as he snuck into her house to try and find her. He felt as if he was going to wake up any minute because this was all one big, horrible dream.
"What?" he whispered as he came to a complete stop. He heard something; something which sounded so, so familiar to him. Something that he hadn't heard in so long; someone was singing. He rushed towards the sound eager to find out what it was.
He opened the door to what was her spare bedroom and he wished he hadn't. He wished from that particular moment he'd never turned on the TV just those few hours before because now he had his answer and he wasn't sure as too whether he wanted it.
There sat in a rocking chair was the woman he'd not seen for nearly a year. The woman who had plagued his thoughts and his dreams. Yes, there sat Paula Abdul with a beautiful, little baby girl sleeping contently in her arms.
Unspoken Words
Prologue.
The silence plagues them like the pain of a thousand knives to the chest. It is like radio silence. They know nothing. They can't know more because the truth, the answers to their questions is eluding them whilst giving them an impression that the questions they are asking are simply unanswerable.
She'd vanished. It was as if she'd disappeared into thin air because she seemed to have disappeared off of the face of the earth; she was gone. She was gone which to them was totally unacceptable. They had to find her. It wasn't a question of if. It was simply a question of how. How would they find her when the only people who knew where she was wouldn't speak to them. Had good as cut off all contact with them for no fathomable reason as to why.
One of the most puzzling things of the whole situation was her house. Her house was still in her name. Everything was still there. All of her possessions were still in the same place. The only thing missing was her. A house which had previously screamed warmth and love now screamed a very dark and unsettling coldness now that she was gone.
The private investigators had turned up nothing. They had searched and searched and searched yet still they came up with nothing. The trail was cold. It had always been cold never warm as they searched for her. They knew she was somewhere they just couldn't work out where. They'd found out that the babies were living with Wendy but no one would say why. She adored her babies. They were such an important part in her life so why were they suddenly off living with Wendy whilst she vanished into thin air, why?
The tabloids were all clear of her. There hadn't been a word said about her in months not since she announced her decision to quit Idol. A decision which rocked the lives of many around the world, shocked an industry which had grown to love her even more than they had before. "With sadness in my heart, I've decided not to return." After the frenzy of her departure from Idol had died down all news of her seemed to die down too. There was nothing written in the media about her; no mentions of drug or alcohol addictions. No potential suitors. Nothing.
One day after what felt like months of searching they gave up. They hired people who were renowned in certain circles for being able to find whoever or whatever you wanted when you wanted but this time they'd found nothing. With everyday that past it became more and more unlikely that they were going to find what they were looking for. It was starting to destroy everything else around them. Relationships, work it was all suffering so they gave up.
"Si?" he heard a voice breaking through into subconscious, waking him from his peaceful slumber. He rolled over and tried to block out all noise so that he could go back to sleep but to no avail. He was awake. "Your phone is ringing."
"Wha…" he mumbled sleepily as he opened his eyes, his senses still sleepy as he did so.
"Your phone," Mezhgan spoke again as she reached over and handed Simon his phone. "It's Ryan," she said, handing him the phone once he'd sat up in bed.
"Ryan I'm sleeping!" he said, yawning into the phone as he spoke. "What!" he suddenly exclaimed loudly as he swiftly grabbed a hold of the TV and turned it onto the desired channel. The phone fell out of his hand.
"Paula is to serve as lead judge, executive producer, creative partner, mentor and coach on CBS' new dancing competition, Live to Dance which is based on the British version show Got to Dance," he spoke slowly.
The silence plagues them like the pain of a thousand knives to the chest. It is like radio silence. They know nothing. They can't know more because the truth, the answers to their questions is eluding them whilst giving them an impression that the questions they are asking are simply unanswerable.
She'd vanished. It was as if she'd disappeared into thin air because she seemed to have disappeared off of the face of the earth; she was gone. She was gone which to them was totally unacceptable. They had to find her. It wasn't a question of if. It was simply a question of how. How would they find her when the only people who knew where she was wouldn't speak to them. Had good as cut off all contact with them for no fathomable reason as to why.
One of the most puzzling things of the whole situation was her house. Her house was still in her name. Everything was still there. All of her possessions were still in the same place. The only thing missing was her. A house which had previously screamed warmth and love now screamed a very dark and unsettling coldness now that she was gone.
The private investigators had turned up nothing. They had searched and searched and searched yet still they came up with nothing. The trail was cold. It had always been cold never warm as they searched for her. They knew she was somewhere they just couldn't work out where. They'd found out that the babies were living with Wendy but no one would say why. She adored her babies. They were such an important part in her life so why were they suddenly off living with Wendy whilst she vanished into thin air, why?
The tabloids were all clear of her. There hadn't been a word said about her in months not since she announced her decision to quit Idol. A decision which rocked the lives of many around the world, shocked an industry which had grown to love her even more than they had before. "With sadness in my heart, I've decided not to return." After the frenzy of her departure from Idol had died down all news of her seemed to die down too. There was nothing written in the media about her; no mentions of drug or alcohol addictions. No potential suitors. Nothing.
One day after what felt like months of searching they gave up. They hired people who were renowned in certain circles for being able to find whoever or whatever you wanted when you wanted but this time they'd found nothing. With everyday that past it became more and more unlikely that they were going to find what they were looking for. It was starting to destroy everything else around them. Relationships, work it was all suffering so they gave up.
"Si?" he heard a voice breaking through into subconscious, waking him from his peaceful slumber. He rolled over and tried to block out all noise so that he could go back to sleep but to no avail. He was awake. "Your phone is ringing."
"Wha…" he mumbled sleepily as he opened his eyes, his senses still sleepy as he did so.
"Your phone," Mezhgan spoke again as she reached over and handed Simon his phone. "It's Ryan," she said, handing him the phone once he'd sat up in bed.
"Ryan I'm sleeping!" he said, yawning into the phone as he spoke. "What!" he suddenly exclaimed loudly as he swiftly grabbed a hold of the TV and turned it onto the desired channel. The phone fell out of his hand.
"Paula is to serve as lead judge, executive producer, creative partner, mentor and coach on CBS' new dancing competition, Live to Dance which is based on the British version show Got to Dance," he spoke slowly.
Thursday, 9 September 2010
I Still.
Chapter 4 -
She heaved her tired, broken body up off of the bed and made her across the room. Make up bag in hand. She stood in the bathroom facing the mirror as she took in her appearance. She let out a small and pitiful laugh as she saw her appearance. Her mascara and eye liner had run down her face in thick black lines. Her eyes were red from her tears, her throat was sore and her hair was a mess. It was more of a ratted bush than the luscious locks she'd had an hour before.
Slowly she cleaned off her make up, making sure her face was completely clean, completely free of make up; completely free of the day she'd had. She cleaned off the make up of the painful, awkward and uncomfortable day she'd had. She took a good look at herself in the mirror once she was free of her make up and sighed. Her old insecurities plaguing her once more as she took herself in. "Simon wouldn't want this anyways," she whispered softly as she reached for her foundation.
She felt a little stronger, a little more refreshed as she finished applying her makeup. The failure had been erased from her body, from her face but not her mind. She and Simon were the only people who knew what had happened and she knew Simon wouldn't say a word, and neither would she.
He would be painted as a stud, an eternal playboy who couldn't resist the lure of another woman despite having a beautiful stable woman at home. People would forgive him, they'd still love him, they'd still respect him despite it all. Whereas she'd be painted as a whore. A home wrecker who hadn't been laid in such a long time, she 'd be that desperate as to steal another woman's man.
Of course Simon meant the world to her. Besides her family and Daniel he was her rock. The one person she could turn to if she needed help and she'd pushed him away after a night of passion had left her torn and ravaged with guilt as she'd awoken, seconds later everything had flown back to her. And instead of feeling happy, warm and sated she felt like a disgusting whore. A fact which sickened her to her very core.
Sleeping with Simon wasn't supposed to make her feel this way. Sleeping with Simon was supposed to be one of those things you only dream of happening, and in your dream it was perfect. Sleeping with Simon had brought all of her fears to the surface. She was scared of losing him, and now she'd gone and done it. In what was sheer madness she'd completely freaked and pushed him away. She didn't blame him or hate him for what he'd said to her because she'd pushed him to it.
"Oh," she whispered as she caught site of the time. She had five minutes to get her stuff and herself out of the room where everything fell apart, and back downstairs into the lobby where she hoped no one would notice or suspect her pain before checkout.
She stood in the elevator, her bags around her as her mind drifted back to the other night when she and Simon had been along in the lift before everything had happened. The way she'd felt a dizzying heat pass through her body as his hand had touched her skin, how he'd played with her thong with his fingers and in that moment she'd fallen. She'd said yes as he touched her, she'd hadn't said no and pushed him away in disgust like normal. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that things would have gone a lot further in the lift if they'd not reached Simon's floor.
As the lift doors opened she spotted Randy and Ryan stood talking to someone at the front desk. They were deep in conversation as she approached them. The two of them only stopped when they heard her shout as she dropped her carry-on bag onto her foot whilst she was walking to them.
"P, baby. You ok?" Randy asked as he and Ryan rushed over to her whilst she put the rest of her luggage down.
"Yeah I'm fine," she replied. "You know what I'm like," she finished as she walked over to the desk and handed over her key with literally seconds to spare. Yes she could afford it without any problems but she really didn't want to have to pay for another night in a room she wasn't using. Especially that room. A room filled with a sordid, dirty, passionate secret.
Once everything was finalised with the hotel, a few bellboys were asked to help Randy, Ryan and especially Paula carry their bags out to the van which was taking them to the airport. Paula paid the boys a small tip once all their luggage was safely in the van and they were ready to go. She sat with Randy and Ryan next to her on the backseat conversing once again about Simon and his sudden departure.
She had to stifle a laugh when Ryan suggested maybe Simon's moodiness was down to him being on his period. If he was on his period that would be rather funny, and not because of what had happened between him and Paula she thought as she dug her phone out of her pocket.
She was feeling brave as she pressed 6 on her speed dial. She felt a pang of regret and disappointment flow through as she briefly heard the international dialling code before the call got disconnected. He was gone; he was already on the plane so his phone would be off. "He's already on the plane," she said as she noticed Randy and Ryan staring at her.
"It's okay Baby Girl," Randy whispered as he watched her crumble. Her tears falling hard and fast as he wrapped her up in his arms. "You know what Cowell is like when he gets all angry and wound up. Don't take it so personally. This time away from us all will let him chill and when we see him in Vegas he'll be fine." He held her tighter to him as he continued to sob.
By the time they arrived at the airport she had exhausted herself through crying, she was ready to fall asleep where she stood. Once they'd been through check-ins and customs she could finally sleep in the private area whilst they waited to board the plane. She slept against Randy's shoulder as Ryan tried in vain to get hold of Simon. Who either couldn't answer the phone or didn't want to. They all knew it was the second and It would be the second for a while. Well at least until he'd calmed down a bit, then he might talk; might being the appropriate word.
An hour later they were boarded and sat comfortably in First-Class waiting for the plane to begin taking off. Paula decided to try Simon a few more times before they took off just to hear his voice. She didn't care if he yelled she just needed to hear it; his voice had a way of helping ease her fears about the plane taking off. But of course his phone went straight to voicemail and the light came for them to turn off all electrical equipment and put on their seatbelts. "Simon," she whispered, how voice soft and barely sounding as she spoke. She needed him and she needed him now. But he wouldn't come, he couldn't come. He was somewhere over the Atlantic heading to London.
They'd landed in Los Angeles without any problems. The three of them had exited the plane as soon as they could, they were led to three vans which were waiting to take them to their homes where finally they could sleep and not worry about auditions and wannabes for a few days or one another.
The few days between auditions passed painfully slow for her. She'd tried calling him a bunch of times, she'd even rung him at the office but he'd not answered. Not even to tell her where to go. It was like radio silence. And each moment of silence was breaking her piece by piece as she yearned for him to forgive and talk to her once again.
Her heart begun to beat wildly in her chest as he walked into the room. She hadn't seen or heard from him since he walked out of the San Francisco auditions. He was here. He was alive and he was in the same room as her. She wanted to hug him but she knew it would be rebuffed which was why her jaw dropped the second he walked over to her, kissed her cheek and hugged her.
And that was the last time he'd approached her. When they were in the company of others they acted as if things were completely normal, like not a thing had happened. They were both laughing, smiling and bantering with one another in front of the cameras and the crew. She knew it was fake. It was all fake and it was breaking her heart. The second they broke for lunch Simon disappeared. Phone, cigarettes in hand he disappeared through the doors and out of sight until the end of lunch when he had to return.
She walked through the doors that Simon had just walked through. She'd asked Ryan to get her a salad for lunch and that she'd join them shortly after she'd tried to talk to Simon. She wasn't optimistic at her chances as she walked down the corridor and followed the smell of fresh cigarettes. That was the smell she now craved, at first she'd hated it. Hated the smell of cigarettes but since meeting Simon that had changed. She sighed as she spotted him sitting on a bench with his back to her out on one of the balconies high above civilisation.
She watched him tense the second she pushed on the door. He said nothing. It was almost total silence except for the sound of her heels as she pushed open the door and moved through out onto the balcony. She didn't know what to say. She knew she had to say something as she sat down next him. Words seemed to be failing her as they sat there side by side in silence.
"Simon I," she began slowly. She scolded herself at how she'd spoken to him. How her voice had come out all nervous as she addressed him, her body was failing her as she felt the tears threatening to come, threatening to fall from her eyes. "I…I'm sorry. I didn't mean the things I said. I didn't. And I know you don't believe me. I am a whore but it's not your fault." He still remained silent so she place a kiss on his cheek before she walked away totally defeated at his response or lack there of.
Paula never appeared to eat the lunch that Ryan had bought for her at her request. It now lay rotting in a bin uneaten and unwanted. Instead she spent the lunch hour hiding in a bathroom stall as she sobbed, as her heart had ached and burned painfully in her chest at how things had played out between her and Simon. He was so angry and hurt at her rejection of him and now he was punishing her with silence because he too couldn't find the words to say.
They did what they had to do. They hugged, kissed, bantered as they played things up for the cameras as the auditions continued in Vegas without a lot of trouble. There was of course some trouble and that came in the form of contestant Ryan Hart who with his rendition of something 'original' as he dubbed it only served to worsen Simon's mood by his dreadful performance and totally ignorant and disrespectful attitude. Thankfully he was one of the last contestants on day one because if he'd been one of the first contestants through the day could have ended a lot differently.
She resisted the urge to turn to him and scream angrily at him when he wrapped his arm around her waist as they stood after the final audition and made their way through the hallways and down the stairs to the limo which was waiting to take the four of them back to the hotel. Luckily she managed to bag a seat next to Ryan as Simon had to take a phone call just as he was about to get in the limo. The limo was spent in mostly silence except for Simon's phone call. They'd guessed he was talking to London but nothing else.
She couldn't sleep. She wasn't tired and her mind was going a mile a minute it was racing and she knew exactly why; Simon. Simon Philip Cowell was the cause of this and he was going to fix It whether he liked it or not. She suddenly felt a rush of confidence and adrenaline as she thought those words and clambered out of bed. She wasn't going to lose him. She was going to force him to talk to her whether he liked it or not.
She thanked her lucky stars as she crossed the room to the door which connected their rooms. She knew he'd be sleeping so it didn't surprise her one bit when she entered his room and saw him sleeping in the bed. She almost reconsidered waking him when she saw how peaceful and angelic he looked as he slept. She stifled a laugh as he let out a slight snore in his sleep. The laugh brought her back to the here and now. To what she had to do. To what she'd come to do.
She knew he slept nude and tonight was no exception as she peaked under the cover and got a good look before removing her own clothing and climbing into bed with him. She needed to feel his skin against her. He didn't stir as she lay her body down on top of his like a blanket; her chest against his.
She did the one thing she knew would wake him up. She pulled on his nose. And it worked his eyes jolted open to see her straddling his naked body, her elbows propping up her naked body so that she could stare dead him in the eye.
He opened his mouth to speak when her sudden sobs silenced him. Her elbows fell from beneath her as she began to sob. She buried her face in his chest as his arm came around her, holding her to him tightly. "I'm sorry," he whispered. The pain and anger he'd felt now fell away only to be replaced with feelings of guilt as he held his sobbing Poodle in his arms. Now all he wanted to do was cure her of her pain.
It ached him to know he was the cause of her pain. What had happened between thme shouldn't have happened but it did happen and he didn't regret it at all. She wasn't a whore. She would never, ever be a whore despite those heinous and totally unforgivable words leaving his lips in a moment of anger and regret. Words he'd never meant. "Your not a whore. To me your are perfect and whore doesn't fit into that definition. I'm a prick."
"I know," she whispered before she let out a little giggle at his words. Her sobs ceasing as his words penetrated her consciousness. She knew he hadn't meant the things he said to her just before he left, slamming the door hard behind him. To hear him apologise seemed to heal her pain, she knew he was sorry and he knew she was sorry. Both were sorry and both were hurt by the other.
His lips came down softly on hers as he kissed her in the night. The moonlight illuminating her beautiful tear-stained features to him as the guilt flew through his body leaving him in utter turmoil. He kissed her once more softly before he pulled away from her and softly moved her off of him so that he could sit up, his legs swung over the edge of the bed as the guilt ravaged him.
"Si," she whispered, her small body moved closer to his. She positioned herself behind him, her legs on either side of his as she wrapped her arms around his waist, her cheek resting against his back. "What's wrong? Talk to me. Please," she whispered once more.
"I can't do this anymore," he replied in a small, pitiful voice. A voice which sounded so broken and so defeated. One she'd never heard from him before. One which shook her to her inner most core.
"Can't do what?" she asked confused. What couldn't he do anymore that would make him answer her in a voice which frightened her.
"Hurt you anymore. I can't. I just cant," he whispered softly as he looked up at the moon. "All I do is hurt you and I don't want to be that person anymore. I cheated on my girlfriend and called you a whore. Something I've been raised not to do and to insult my dad I did it anyway," his voice trembled as he spoke of his dad. "I need to stay away from you off camera. And that way I won't hurt you anymore. Can you go now? Please," he added quietly.
"No!" She replied. Her tone certain and strong as she spoke. She couldn't believe the words he'd just said. She just couldn't. And she could not be around him anymore? No she couldn't. That would hurt her more than his presence ever would. "Listen to me and listen to me very, very carefully. You, Simon Philip Cowell made a mistake as did I. Yes you may have been raised to do good things but you just like the rest of us are only human and we make mistakes. I mean, look at some of the mistakes I've made: I married a man who used me as a punch bag." she stopped as she felt Simon tensing in front of her. Whenever she'd mentioned that part of her life rarely he'd always gotten so angry and upset to the point where he wanted to seek Brad out. "Your reaction at Brad tells me something important: You are such a special, special person to me. You'd never, ever lay a hand on me and I love you for that. I love that you'd go to the ends of the earth just to help me Simon. I can't bare to not have you in my life. I just can't. Yes you can say hurtful things and yes sometimes they hurt but I know you don't mean them. Just like I knew that you didn't mean it when you called me a whore. I need you in my life and I refuse to let you walk away. All that time I was away from after what happened it felt like I was dying inside and I knew you were the only person who could cure me."
"I love you too," he whispered.
The End.
She heaved her tired, broken body up off of the bed and made her across the room. Make up bag in hand. She stood in the bathroom facing the mirror as she took in her appearance. She let out a small and pitiful laugh as she saw her appearance. Her mascara and eye liner had run down her face in thick black lines. Her eyes were red from her tears, her throat was sore and her hair was a mess. It was more of a ratted bush than the luscious locks she'd had an hour before.
Slowly she cleaned off her make up, making sure her face was completely clean, completely free of make up; completely free of the day she'd had. She cleaned off the make up of the painful, awkward and uncomfortable day she'd had. She took a good look at herself in the mirror once she was free of her make up and sighed. Her old insecurities plaguing her once more as she took herself in. "Simon wouldn't want this anyways," she whispered softly as she reached for her foundation.
She felt a little stronger, a little more refreshed as she finished applying her makeup. The failure had been erased from her body, from her face but not her mind. She and Simon were the only people who knew what had happened and she knew Simon wouldn't say a word, and neither would she.
He would be painted as a stud, an eternal playboy who couldn't resist the lure of another woman despite having a beautiful stable woman at home. People would forgive him, they'd still love him, they'd still respect him despite it all. Whereas she'd be painted as a whore. A home wrecker who hadn't been laid in such a long time, she 'd be that desperate as to steal another woman's man.
Of course Simon meant the world to her. Besides her family and Daniel he was her rock. The one person she could turn to if she needed help and she'd pushed him away after a night of passion had left her torn and ravaged with guilt as she'd awoken, seconds later everything had flown back to her. And instead of feeling happy, warm and sated she felt like a disgusting whore. A fact which sickened her to her very core.
Sleeping with Simon wasn't supposed to make her feel this way. Sleeping with Simon was supposed to be one of those things you only dream of happening, and in your dream it was perfect. Sleeping with Simon had brought all of her fears to the surface. She was scared of losing him, and now she'd gone and done it. In what was sheer madness she'd completely freaked and pushed him away. She didn't blame him or hate him for what he'd said to her because she'd pushed him to it.
"Oh," she whispered as she caught site of the time. She had five minutes to get her stuff and herself out of the room where everything fell apart, and back downstairs into the lobby where she hoped no one would notice or suspect her pain before checkout.
She stood in the elevator, her bags around her as her mind drifted back to the other night when she and Simon had been along in the lift before everything had happened. The way she'd felt a dizzying heat pass through her body as his hand had touched her skin, how he'd played with her thong with his fingers and in that moment she'd fallen. She'd said yes as he touched her, she'd hadn't said no and pushed him away in disgust like normal. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that things would have gone a lot further in the lift if they'd not reached Simon's floor.
As the lift doors opened she spotted Randy and Ryan stood talking to someone at the front desk. They were deep in conversation as she approached them. The two of them only stopped when they heard her shout as she dropped her carry-on bag onto her foot whilst she was walking to them.
"P, baby. You ok?" Randy asked as he and Ryan rushed over to her whilst she put the rest of her luggage down.
"Yeah I'm fine," she replied. "You know what I'm like," she finished as she walked over to the desk and handed over her key with literally seconds to spare. Yes she could afford it without any problems but she really didn't want to have to pay for another night in a room she wasn't using. Especially that room. A room filled with a sordid, dirty, passionate secret.
Once everything was finalised with the hotel, a few bellboys were asked to help Randy, Ryan and especially Paula carry their bags out to the van which was taking them to the airport. Paula paid the boys a small tip once all their luggage was safely in the van and they were ready to go. She sat with Randy and Ryan next to her on the backseat conversing once again about Simon and his sudden departure.
She had to stifle a laugh when Ryan suggested maybe Simon's moodiness was down to him being on his period. If he was on his period that would be rather funny, and not because of what had happened between him and Paula she thought as she dug her phone out of her pocket.
She was feeling brave as she pressed 6 on her speed dial. She felt a pang of regret and disappointment flow through as she briefly heard the international dialling code before the call got disconnected. He was gone; he was already on the plane so his phone would be off. "He's already on the plane," she said as she noticed Randy and Ryan staring at her.
"It's okay Baby Girl," Randy whispered as he watched her crumble. Her tears falling hard and fast as he wrapped her up in his arms. "You know what Cowell is like when he gets all angry and wound up. Don't take it so personally. This time away from us all will let him chill and when we see him in Vegas he'll be fine." He held her tighter to him as he continued to sob.
By the time they arrived at the airport she had exhausted herself through crying, she was ready to fall asleep where she stood. Once they'd been through check-ins and customs she could finally sleep in the private area whilst they waited to board the plane. She slept against Randy's shoulder as Ryan tried in vain to get hold of Simon. Who either couldn't answer the phone or didn't want to. They all knew it was the second and It would be the second for a while. Well at least until he'd calmed down a bit, then he might talk; might being the appropriate word.
An hour later they were boarded and sat comfortably in First-Class waiting for the plane to begin taking off. Paula decided to try Simon a few more times before they took off just to hear his voice. She didn't care if he yelled she just needed to hear it; his voice had a way of helping ease her fears about the plane taking off. But of course his phone went straight to voicemail and the light came for them to turn off all electrical equipment and put on their seatbelts. "Simon," she whispered, how voice soft and barely sounding as she spoke. She needed him and she needed him now. But he wouldn't come, he couldn't come. He was somewhere over the Atlantic heading to London.
They'd landed in Los Angeles without any problems. The three of them had exited the plane as soon as they could, they were led to three vans which were waiting to take them to their homes where finally they could sleep and not worry about auditions and wannabes for a few days or one another.
The few days between auditions passed painfully slow for her. She'd tried calling him a bunch of times, she'd even rung him at the office but he'd not answered. Not even to tell her where to go. It was like radio silence. And each moment of silence was breaking her piece by piece as she yearned for him to forgive and talk to her once again.
Her heart begun to beat wildly in her chest as he walked into the room. She hadn't seen or heard from him since he walked out of the San Francisco auditions. He was here. He was alive and he was in the same room as her. She wanted to hug him but she knew it would be rebuffed which was why her jaw dropped the second he walked over to her, kissed her cheek and hugged her.
And that was the last time he'd approached her. When they were in the company of others they acted as if things were completely normal, like not a thing had happened. They were both laughing, smiling and bantering with one another in front of the cameras and the crew. She knew it was fake. It was all fake and it was breaking her heart. The second they broke for lunch Simon disappeared. Phone, cigarettes in hand he disappeared through the doors and out of sight until the end of lunch when he had to return.
She walked through the doors that Simon had just walked through. She'd asked Ryan to get her a salad for lunch and that she'd join them shortly after she'd tried to talk to Simon. She wasn't optimistic at her chances as she walked down the corridor and followed the smell of fresh cigarettes. That was the smell she now craved, at first she'd hated it. Hated the smell of cigarettes but since meeting Simon that had changed. She sighed as she spotted him sitting on a bench with his back to her out on one of the balconies high above civilisation.
She watched him tense the second she pushed on the door. He said nothing. It was almost total silence except for the sound of her heels as she pushed open the door and moved through out onto the balcony. She didn't know what to say. She knew she had to say something as she sat down next him. Words seemed to be failing her as they sat there side by side in silence.
"Simon I," she began slowly. She scolded herself at how she'd spoken to him. How her voice had come out all nervous as she addressed him, her body was failing her as she felt the tears threatening to come, threatening to fall from her eyes. "I…I'm sorry. I didn't mean the things I said. I didn't. And I know you don't believe me. I am a whore but it's not your fault." He still remained silent so she place a kiss on his cheek before she walked away totally defeated at his response or lack there of.
Paula never appeared to eat the lunch that Ryan had bought for her at her request. It now lay rotting in a bin uneaten and unwanted. Instead she spent the lunch hour hiding in a bathroom stall as she sobbed, as her heart had ached and burned painfully in her chest at how things had played out between her and Simon. He was so angry and hurt at her rejection of him and now he was punishing her with silence because he too couldn't find the words to say.
They did what they had to do. They hugged, kissed, bantered as they played things up for the cameras as the auditions continued in Vegas without a lot of trouble. There was of course some trouble and that came in the form of contestant Ryan Hart who with his rendition of something 'original' as he dubbed it only served to worsen Simon's mood by his dreadful performance and totally ignorant and disrespectful attitude. Thankfully he was one of the last contestants on day one because if he'd been one of the first contestants through the day could have ended a lot differently.
She resisted the urge to turn to him and scream angrily at him when he wrapped his arm around her waist as they stood after the final audition and made their way through the hallways and down the stairs to the limo which was waiting to take the four of them back to the hotel. Luckily she managed to bag a seat next to Ryan as Simon had to take a phone call just as he was about to get in the limo. The limo was spent in mostly silence except for Simon's phone call. They'd guessed he was talking to London but nothing else.
She couldn't sleep. She wasn't tired and her mind was going a mile a minute it was racing and she knew exactly why; Simon. Simon Philip Cowell was the cause of this and he was going to fix It whether he liked it or not. She suddenly felt a rush of confidence and adrenaline as she thought those words and clambered out of bed. She wasn't going to lose him. She was going to force him to talk to her whether he liked it or not.
She thanked her lucky stars as she crossed the room to the door which connected their rooms. She knew he'd be sleeping so it didn't surprise her one bit when she entered his room and saw him sleeping in the bed. She almost reconsidered waking him when she saw how peaceful and angelic he looked as he slept. She stifled a laugh as he let out a slight snore in his sleep. The laugh brought her back to the here and now. To what she had to do. To what she'd come to do.
She knew he slept nude and tonight was no exception as she peaked under the cover and got a good look before removing her own clothing and climbing into bed with him. She needed to feel his skin against her. He didn't stir as she lay her body down on top of his like a blanket; her chest against his.
She did the one thing she knew would wake him up. She pulled on his nose. And it worked his eyes jolted open to see her straddling his naked body, her elbows propping up her naked body so that she could stare dead him in the eye.
He opened his mouth to speak when her sudden sobs silenced him. Her elbows fell from beneath her as she began to sob. She buried her face in his chest as his arm came around her, holding her to him tightly. "I'm sorry," he whispered. The pain and anger he'd felt now fell away only to be replaced with feelings of guilt as he held his sobbing Poodle in his arms. Now all he wanted to do was cure her of her pain.
It ached him to know he was the cause of her pain. What had happened between thme shouldn't have happened but it did happen and he didn't regret it at all. She wasn't a whore. She would never, ever be a whore despite those heinous and totally unforgivable words leaving his lips in a moment of anger and regret. Words he'd never meant. "Your not a whore. To me your are perfect and whore doesn't fit into that definition. I'm a prick."
"I know," she whispered before she let out a little giggle at his words. Her sobs ceasing as his words penetrated her consciousness. She knew he hadn't meant the things he said to her just before he left, slamming the door hard behind him. To hear him apologise seemed to heal her pain, she knew he was sorry and he knew she was sorry. Both were sorry and both were hurt by the other.
His lips came down softly on hers as he kissed her in the night. The moonlight illuminating her beautiful tear-stained features to him as the guilt flew through his body leaving him in utter turmoil. He kissed her once more softly before he pulled away from her and softly moved her off of him so that he could sit up, his legs swung over the edge of the bed as the guilt ravaged him.
"Si," she whispered, her small body moved closer to his. She positioned herself behind him, her legs on either side of his as she wrapped her arms around his waist, her cheek resting against his back. "What's wrong? Talk to me. Please," she whispered once more.
"I can't do this anymore," he replied in a small, pitiful voice. A voice which sounded so broken and so defeated. One she'd never heard from him before. One which shook her to her inner most core.
"Can't do what?" she asked confused. What couldn't he do anymore that would make him answer her in a voice which frightened her.
"Hurt you anymore. I can't. I just cant," he whispered softly as he looked up at the moon. "All I do is hurt you and I don't want to be that person anymore. I cheated on my girlfriend and called you a whore. Something I've been raised not to do and to insult my dad I did it anyway," his voice trembled as he spoke of his dad. "I need to stay away from you off camera. And that way I won't hurt you anymore. Can you go now? Please," he added quietly.
"No!" She replied. Her tone certain and strong as she spoke. She couldn't believe the words he'd just said. She just couldn't. And she could not be around him anymore? No she couldn't. That would hurt her more than his presence ever would. "Listen to me and listen to me very, very carefully. You, Simon Philip Cowell made a mistake as did I. Yes you may have been raised to do good things but you just like the rest of us are only human and we make mistakes. I mean, look at some of the mistakes I've made: I married a man who used me as a punch bag." she stopped as she felt Simon tensing in front of her. Whenever she'd mentioned that part of her life rarely he'd always gotten so angry and upset to the point where he wanted to seek Brad out. "Your reaction at Brad tells me something important: You are such a special, special person to me. You'd never, ever lay a hand on me and I love you for that. I love that you'd go to the ends of the earth just to help me Simon. I can't bare to not have you in my life. I just can't. Yes you can say hurtful things and yes sometimes they hurt but I know you don't mean them. Just like I knew that you didn't mean it when you called me a whore. I need you in my life and I refuse to let you walk away. All that time I was away from after what happened it felt like I was dying inside and I knew you were the only person who could cure me."
"I love you too," he whispered.
The End.
Monday, 6 September 2010
I Still.
Chapter 3 -
"Ugh," she groaned, her eyes opening, her body wakening at some unholy hour. She turned her head only to be blinded by the lights from the alarm clock. Once her eyes had adjusted to being awake she looked at the clock one more and groaned as she saw it was only three in the morning, and she wasn't alone.
"Simon," she whispered as she manoeuvred her body without waking the person which the arm wrapped round her middle belonged to. She turned to see Simon's sleeping face on the same pillow as her; sleeping. She took a moment to watch as his beautiful, handsome face as he slept. She watched as every breath he took, how every third breath was met with a soft snore and a flare of his nostrils as he slept softly when suddenly it all came rushing back to her; what they'd done last night, where they were, who they were with, Terri, everything. He couldn't be here!
"Get up!" she shouted, loudly as she moved off of the bed only to stop short when she noticed she was naked and so was Simon. She let out a low moan when she became aware of the soreness between her legs as well as the sticky feeling on her thighs as she moved off of the bed and onto her feet.
He never stirred from his sleep as she moved off the bed, he moved slightly in his sleep the sheet moving slightly providing her with a delicious view of his cock. She gasped when she saw that his body and his cock was covered in scratches and several love bites, she looked down at her own and saw the same. "We really did a number on one another," she mused silently.
A gentle snore emanated from his lips brought her back to the present. The here and now with a bang. She quickly wrapped a robe around her naked body as she grabbed a pillow from the floor and threw it at his face as forcefully as possible and it worked. Her second attempt at waking him was successful; she heard a few groans come from him as he moved the pillow away from his face, his eyes struggling in the light as he tried to focus his gaze on the clock.
"What the fuck?" he asked, his voice gravely. "It's 3 in the fucking morning!"
"Get out of my room! Now!" she seethed angrily as he continued to lay there whilst she rushed around the room looking for his clothes. What they had done was so, so wrong and he needed to leave right now. "Now!" she hollered as she thrust his clothes at him. He sat up and simply stared at her in amusement as she screamed at him.
"No!" he replied defiantly as he got up off of the bed and placed his jeans back on. He smiled as he noticed her gaze watching as he jeans slowly covered the lower half of his body back up. Her eyes looked almost disappointed when he cock was hidden from view. Quickly her gaze returned to it's angry form as she scolded herself for allowing herself to get lost in the fantasy.
"Yes!" she screamed back. "Last night, this morning whatever! It shouldn't have happened and it's never going to fucking happen again! You need to leave, you need to go back to your girlfriend and fuck last night out of your head."
"You don't mean that," he whispered, referring to 'It shouldn't have happened'. "You don't mean that!" he repeated, his voice stronger and louder than before as he watched the anger flaring once again in her eyes at his words. "You don't."
"I do!" she snapped, her voice surprisingly strong and certain. It was a huge contrast to the way she was feeling inside. Inside she could feel her strength weakening as she took in the total hurt and dejectedness he was projecting. "I do," she whispered. "You're NOT single and I am not a whore. Yet last night proved that I am nothing more than a whore and you are nothing more than a man looking for a cheap shag! Look I even used a word you'll understand! Shag!" she screamed.
"You are right. You're nothing more than a whore," he snapped venomously as he picked up his shoes and walked towards the door. "I thought we meant more to one another," he whispered before he walked out the door and slammed it shut; leaving her alone with her thoughts and his words. His words shot right through her, like a knife cutting flesh. He wounded her deeply, she shook it off and stormed into the bathroom.
She turned the shower on making sure the water was hot as she threw off her robe and stepped into the shower. His words were ringing in her ears, her touch scorching her skin as she began manipulating herself, trying to give herself some kind of release. She came with a terse, pitying scream, her fingers buried deep inside of her. She stood in the shower angry and decidedly unsatisfied despite her orgasm with his final words to her standing strong in her mind.
She awoke several hours later after a somewhat restless, fitful sleep to banging on her door and Ryan's voice yelling to her. She turned her head to the clock; it was time to get up. Time to get up, get dressed, face Simon and thousands of hopefuls who thought they could sing. But very rarely could. "I'm coming!" she yelled in the hopes the incessant knocking would stop. She let out a sigh of relief as the knocking stopped and she located her robe and placed it on her tired body.
"What?" she asked, pointedly once she opened the door to find Ryan standing on the other side looking at her with a concerned look upon his face.
"Well you weren't the first one ready, so we were worried and by the look of tiredness in your eyes we were right," he replied.
"I overslept. I woke up early and couldn't fall back to sleep again. You woke me up. I'll be downstairs soon," she replied before shutting the door and headed in the direction of the shower. She stripped off her robe and entered the shower.
Twenty minutes later she stepped off the lift and headed in the direction of the limo's where she was meeting the guys and him. She was feeling psychically sick at the thought of facing him after what had happened between them. She let out a simultaneous sigh of relief and distress when she saw Randy and Ryan stood talking by the limo's but there was no sign of Simon.
"Hey guys!" she shouted as she walked over to them, stifling a laugh when she watched Ryan jump in surprise. "Aww poor Ryan," she joked as she gave him a hug and kissed him on the cheek before she did the same to Randy who was still sniggering at Ryan.
"Where's Simon?" she asked, hoping they wouldn't pick up on her uneasy tone.
"He and Terri already went baby girl," Randy replied. "He was actually up and ready before the rest of us, which is probably why he was in such a mood. Today will be an interesting day."
"Is it really that bad?" she asked, knowing full well the reason behind Simon's mood. Randy merely nodded as he and Ryan moved to get into the limo. She got in first, once they were all settled they set off for the audition venue on the other side of the city. On the other side of the city which currently occupied Simon Cowell - the root of all the current sadness and heartache plaguing her.
When their limo finally pulled up outside of the venue after being stuck in traffic for an hour, they found themselves surrounded by screaming fans calling to them. With the help of several bodyguards and the arena staff they finally made their way inside with the fans outside.
Paula let out a deep breath of relief once the doors had shut behind them the only hurdle left for her to face was Simon. He was definitely going to be the hardest, most testing hurdle she'd have to face today. She felt Randy's arm around her shoulders as they made their way up the set of stairs which led them to the main hallway of the arena.
The day passed slowly and awkwardly as the tension built slowly and thickly with every second that passed. They acted normal for the cameras despite Simon's more than normal sarcastic attitude. Randy watched on in disbelief as Paula feigned it as Simon was turning away almost everyone away and those he did like Paula and Randy didn't. For every break and lunch Simon had disappeared and only reappeared when he had to. The only bright spot of the day had been Katharine McPhee. Simon had actually been his usual self with her, once she'd left his mood had switched back again until he'd snapped and stormed out in a dramatic fashion.
"Simon's having a bad day," Randy chuckled once Debra Dawn had left the room.
"Well I'm not. You can do this on your own for a while," Simon said dismissively as he stood, threw his pen on the table and walked out leaving Randy and Paula stunned as he walked away, his bodyguard following behind him.
She knew exactly why he'd left as she played up her shock at his sudden rash departure from the room. Whilst poor Randy was genuinely in shock as to why Simon had stormed out from the judging room the way he had when they only had one person left to see and then they'd be finished with the San Francisco auditions anyways. She knew Simon's strop would air and that it would be ratings gold when people caught wind of it.
Randy and Ryan conversed madly about Simon's sudden departure from the auditions during their ride back to the hotel whilst Paula remained totally silent. They would arrive at the hotel, collect their things and head to the airport where they would catch the red-eye back to Los Angeles. Simon was going straight from the auditions to the airport where he and Terri would fly back to London, so she knew she wouldn't see him again until they met up again in Las Vegas.
"We'll meet back down at the sofas in half an hour for check out. Okay?" Ryan said as the three of them stepped into the lift. Randy and Paula merely nodded before Ryan and Randy resumed their previous conversation about Simon and his sudden departure - she just wanted to scream at them, scream for them to shut-up but she didn't she remained silent as the lift continued to climb.
"See you guys soon," she said as the lift arrived on her floor. They all mumbled a quick goodbye before Paula stepped off the lift onto her floor and it continued it's ascent as It delivered Randy and Ryan to their rooms.
She could feel her façade slipping as she walked the short distance from the lift to her room, she could feel her strength weakening as it was slowly overwhelmed by the distress and pain filling her heart and soul. The façade began slipping quicker and quicker as she increased the speed in her step to reach her and room. The second her door clicked shut the damn broke.
She fell to the made bed as her tears overwhelmed her and her mind was filled with memories of the night before.
"I love… Fuck me harder!" she cried through her passionate haze, his hands on her hips as he began to plunge into her harder and harder with each thrust and twist of his skilled hips, her loud moans urging him on, urging to move faster and harder for the pleasure and ecstasy they both craved. She nearly said 'I love you.' through her misty haze of passion as he plunged into her.
Her legs high above his shoulders, the angle of his penetration sending them both spiralling into ecstasy. Her muscles clenched tight around his cock forcing him to thrust even harder against her, forcing him deeper inside of her.
Their minds were completely blank, completely empty only filled with thoughts of one another as they moved fluently against one another. Their loud cries filling the room as they brought themselves closer and closer to the ecstasy that they craved.
His words were unintelligible, loud and jumbled as he tried to speak, tried to convey what he was feeling with words as well as groans, his climax was close. He was close. His thrusts were getting sloppy and out of rhythm as he thrust into her over and over again, her walls stretching and contracting around him. The feel of her nails starching down his skin was too much. He came into her screaming and groaning loudly as he exploded inside of her, his hot, scalding seed bathing her inner womanhood in a warm blanket.
She screamed. His climax triggering hers. She screamed loudly, his name leaving her lips in a terse scream as she convulsed underneath him as he continued to convulse around her. She felt him exploding inside of her for a second time as her muscles exploded around him, her orgasm shattering the world around her in an ecstasy-filled nirvana.
Her legs fell from his shoulders as he fell forwards onto her heaving, sweat soaked body. They were sandwiched together as they struggled for air. Their panting bodies gasping for air as they breathed in and out in sync.
She placed tender kisses along his face as he lay with his cheek resting against hers. They lay there in total silence as they slowly came down from their high. "Wow," she whispered, her voice so soft, so silent she barley heard it herself as the words had left her lips. "Round two?" she asked, her voice sultry and dark as she hooked her legs around his back, using all her strength she flipped them so that he was laying on the bed staring up at her his face totally bewildered and shocked, as she straddled him.
She wiggled her hips wickedly as she felt his cock strain against her thigh. She leaned down, swallowing a moan as he grabbed her neck with his hand and forced their lips together in a rough kiss. His tongue forced its way through her shocked lips which offered little resistance as his hands snaked their way down her body.
Her breath hitched painfully in her throat when she felt his hand was once again dangerously close to her throbbing, wet centre. Her back arched, she cried out loudly as he thrust a finger inside of her. He curled his finger as he began to thrust it inside of her knowing she wouldn't take this long and he was right.
Mere moments later he groaned loudly - a sound which moved right through her, sending pleasure coursing through her - as he felt her forcefully lowering herself onto him as she pushed his hand away from her. The staggering loss she felt as the loss of his fingers was quickly forgotten and replaced by an even greater feeling of him inside of her, stretching her already stretched walls.
She didn't last long. She screamed silently, her nails embedded in his arms the pain heightening his pleasure as she convulsed above him. Her silent screams sent him over the edge for a second time.
She fell down onto him, and lay there for several moments before she moved off of him and turned onto her side. He placed a kiss on her shoulder as he moved to spoon her naked body.
Unconsciousness was soon reached.
"Ugh," she groaned, her eyes opening, her body wakening at some unholy hour. She turned her head only to be blinded by the lights from the alarm clock. Once her eyes had adjusted to being awake she looked at the clock one more and groaned as she saw it was only three in the morning, and she wasn't alone.
"Simon," she whispered as she manoeuvred her body without waking the person which the arm wrapped round her middle belonged to. She turned to see Simon's sleeping face on the same pillow as her; sleeping. She took a moment to watch as his beautiful, handsome face as he slept. She watched as every breath he took, how every third breath was met with a soft snore and a flare of his nostrils as he slept softly when suddenly it all came rushing back to her; what they'd done last night, where they were, who they were with, Terri, everything. He couldn't be here!
"Get up!" she shouted, loudly as she moved off of the bed only to stop short when she noticed she was naked and so was Simon. She let out a low moan when she became aware of the soreness between her legs as well as the sticky feeling on her thighs as she moved off of the bed and onto her feet.
He never stirred from his sleep as she moved off the bed, he moved slightly in his sleep the sheet moving slightly providing her with a delicious view of his cock. She gasped when she saw that his body and his cock was covered in scratches and several love bites, she looked down at her own and saw the same. "We really did a number on one another," she mused silently.
A gentle snore emanated from his lips brought her back to the present. The here and now with a bang. She quickly wrapped a robe around her naked body as she grabbed a pillow from the floor and threw it at his face as forcefully as possible and it worked. Her second attempt at waking him was successful; she heard a few groans come from him as he moved the pillow away from his face, his eyes struggling in the light as he tried to focus his gaze on the clock.
"What the fuck?" he asked, his voice gravely. "It's 3 in the fucking morning!"
"Get out of my room! Now!" she seethed angrily as he continued to lay there whilst she rushed around the room looking for his clothes. What they had done was so, so wrong and he needed to leave right now. "Now!" she hollered as she thrust his clothes at him. He sat up and simply stared at her in amusement as she screamed at him.
"No!" he replied defiantly as he got up off of the bed and placed his jeans back on. He smiled as he noticed her gaze watching as he jeans slowly covered the lower half of his body back up. Her eyes looked almost disappointed when he cock was hidden from view. Quickly her gaze returned to it's angry form as she scolded herself for allowing herself to get lost in the fantasy.
"Yes!" she screamed back. "Last night, this morning whatever! It shouldn't have happened and it's never going to fucking happen again! You need to leave, you need to go back to your girlfriend and fuck last night out of your head."
"You don't mean that," he whispered, referring to 'It shouldn't have happened'. "You don't mean that!" he repeated, his voice stronger and louder than before as he watched the anger flaring once again in her eyes at his words. "You don't."
"I do!" she snapped, her voice surprisingly strong and certain. It was a huge contrast to the way she was feeling inside. Inside she could feel her strength weakening as she took in the total hurt and dejectedness he was projecting. "I do," she whispered. "You're NOT single and I am not a whore. Yet last night proved that I am nothing more than a whore and you are nothing more than a man looking for a cheap shag! Look I even used a word you'll understand! Shag!" she screamed.
"You are right. You're nothing more than a whore," he snapped venomously as he picked up his shoes and walked towards the door. "I thought we meant more to one another," he whispered before he walked out the door and slammed it shut; leaving her alone with her thoughts and his words. His words shot right through her, like a knife cutting flesh. He wounded her deeply, she shook it off and stormed into the bathroom.
She turned the shower on making sure the water was hot as she threw off her robe and stepped into the shower. His words were ringing in her ears, her touch scorching her skin as she began manipulating herself, trying to give herself some kind of release. She came with a terse, pitying scream, her fingers buried deep inside of her. She stood in the shower angry and decidedly unsatisfied despite her orgasm with his final words to her standing strong in her mind.
She awoke several hours later after a somewhat restless, fitful sleep to banging on her door and Ryan's voice yelling to her. She turned her head to the clock; it was time to get up. Time to get up, get dressed, face Simon and thousands of hopefuls who thought they could sing. But very rarely could. "I'm coming!" she yelled in the hopes the incessant knocking would stop. She let out a sigh of relief as the knocking stopped and she located her robe and placed it on her tired body.
"What?" she asked, pointedly once she opened the door to find Ryan standing on the other side looking at her with a concerned look upon his face.
"Well you weren't the first one ready, so we were worried and by the look of tiredness in your eyes we were right," he replied.
"I overslept. I woke up early and couldn't fall back to sleep again. You woke me up. I'll be downstairs soon," she replied before shutting the door and headed in the direction of the shower. She stripped off her robe and entered the shower.
Twenty minutes later she stepped off the lift and headed in the direction of the limo's where she was meeting the guys and him. She was feeling psychically sick at the thought of facing him after what had happened between them. She let out a simultaneous sigh of relief and distress when she saw Randy and Ryan stood talking by the limo's but there was no sign of Simon.
"Hey guys!" she shouted as she walked over to them, stifling a laugh when she watched Ryan jump in surprise. "Aww poor Ryan," she joked as she gave him a hug and kissed him on the cheek before she did the same to Randy who was still sniggering at Ryan.
"Where's Simon?" she asked, hoping they wouldn't pick up on her uneasy tone.
"He and Terri already went baby girl," Randy replied. "He was actually up and ready before the rest of us, which is probably why he was in such a mood. Today will be an interesting day."
"Is it really that bad?" she asked, knowing full well the reason behind Simon's mood. Randy merely nodded as he and Ryan moved to get into the limo. She got in first, once they were all settled they set off for the audition venue on the other side of the city. On the other side of the city which currently occupied Simon Cowell - the root of all the current sadness and heartache plaguing her.
When their limo finally pulled up outside of the venue after being stuck in traffic for an hour, they found themselves surrounded by screaming fans calling to them. With the help of several bodyguards and the arena staff they finally made their way inside with the fans outside.
Paula let out a deep breath of relief once the doors had shut behind them the only hurdle left for her to face was Simon. He was definitely going to be the hardest, most testing hurdle she'd have to face today. She felt Randy's arm around her shoulders as they made their way up the set of stairs which led them to the main hallway of the arena.
The day passed slowly and awkwardly as the tension built slowly and thickly with every second that passed. They acted normal for the cameras despite Simon's more than normal sarcastic attitude. Randy watched on in disbelief as Paula feigned it as Simon was turning away almost everyone away and those he did like Paula and Randy didn't. For every break and lunch Simon had disappeared and only reappeared when he had to. The only bright spot of the day had been Katharine McPhee. Simon had actually been his usual self with her, once she'd left his mood had switched back again until he'd snapped and stormed out in a dramatic fashion.
"Simon's having a bad day," Randy chuckled once Debra Dawn had left the room.
"Well I'm not. You can do this on your own for a while," Simon said dismissively as he stood, threw his pen on the table and walked out leaving Randy and Paula stunned as he walked away, his bodyguard following behind him.
She knew exactly why he'd left as she played up her shock at his sudden rash departure from the room. Whilst poor Randy was genuinely in shock as to why Simon had stormed out from the judging room the way he had when they only had one person left to see and then they'd be finished with the San Francisco auditions anyways. She knew Simon's strop would air and that it would be ratings gold when people caught wind of it.
Randy and Ryan conversed madly about Simon's sudden departure from the auditions during their ride back to the hotel whilst Paula remained totally silent. They would arrive at the hotel, collect their things and head to the airport where they would catch the red-eye back to Los Angeles. Simon was going straight from the auditions to the airport where he and Terri would fly back to London, so she knew she wouldn't see him again until they met up again in Las Vegas.
"We'll meet back down at the sofas in half an hour for check out. Okay?" Ryan said as the three of them stepped into the lift. Randy and Paula merely nodded before Ryan and Randy resumed their previous conversation about Simon and his sudden departure - she just wanted to scream at them, scream for them to shut-up but she didn't she remained silent as the lift continued to climb.
"See you guys soon," she said as the lift arrived on her floor. They all mumbled a quick goodbye before Paula stepped off the lift onto her floor and it continued it's ascent as It delivered Randy and Ryan to their rooms.
She could feel her façade slipping as she walked the short distance from the lift to her room, she could feel her strength weakening as it was slowly overwhelmed by the distress and pain filling her heart and soul. The façade began slipping quicker and quicker as she increased the speed in her step to reach her and room. The second her door clicked shut the damn broke.
She fell to the made bed as her tears overwhelmed her and her mind was filled with memories of the night before.
"I love… Fuck me harder!" she cried through her passionate haze, his hands on her hips as he began to plunge into her harder and harder with each thrust and twist of his skilled hips, her loud moans urging him on, urging to move faster and harder for the pleasure and ecstasy they both craved. She nearly said 'I love you.' through her misty haze of passion as he plunged into her.
Her legs high above his shoulders, the angle of his penetration sending them both spiralling into ecstasy. Her muscles clenched tight around his cock forcing him to thrust even harder against her, forcing him deeper inside of her.
Their minds were completely blank, completely empty only filled with thoughts of one another as they moved fluently against one another. Their loud cries filling the room as they brought themselves closer and closer to the ecstasy that they craved.
His words were unintelligible, loud and jumbled as he tried to speak, tried to convey what he was feeling with words as well as groans, his climax was close. He was close. His thrusts were getting sloppy and out of rhythm as he thrust into her over and over again, her walls stretching and contracting around him. The feel of her nails starching down his skin was too much. He came into her screaming and groaning loudly as he exploded inside of her, his hot, scalding seed bathing her inner womanhood in a warm blanket.
She screamed. His climax triggering hers. She screamed loudly, his name leaving her lips in a terse scream as she convulsed underneath him as he continued to convulse around her. She felt him exploding inside of her for a second time as her muscles exploded around him, her orgasm shattering the world around her in an ecstasy-filled nirvana.
Her legs fell from his shoulders as he fell forwards onto her heaving, sweat soaked body. They were sandwiched together as they struggled for air. Their panting bodies gasping for air as they breathed in and out in sync.
She placed tender kisses along his face as he lay with his cheek resting against hers. They lay there in total silence as they slowly came down from their high. "Wow," she whispered, her voice so soft, so silent she barley heard it herself as the words had left her lips. "Round two?" she asked, her voice sultry and dark as she hooked her legs around his back, using all her strength she flipped them so that he was laying on the bed staring up at her his face totally bewildered and shocked, as she straddled him.
She wiggled her hips wickedly as she felt his cock strain against her thigh. She leaned down, swallowing a moan as he grabbed her neck with his hand and forced their lips together in a rough kiss. His tongue forced its way through her shocked lips which offered little resistance as his hands snaked their way down her body.
Her breath hitched painfully in her throat when she felt his hand was once again dangerously close to her throbbing, wet centre. Her back arched, she cried out loudly as he thrust a finger inside of her. He curled his finger as he began to thrust it inside of her knowing she wouldn't take this long and he was right.
Mere moments later he groaned loudly - a sound which moved right through her, sending pleasure coursing through her - as he felt her forcefully lowering herself onto him as she pushed his hand away from her. The staggering loss she felt as the loss of his fingers was quickly forgotten and replaced by an even greater feeling of him inside of her, stretching her already stretched walls.
She didn't last long. She screamed silently, her nails embedded in his arms the pain heightening his pleasure as she convulsed above him. Her silent screams sent him over the edge for a second time.
She fell down onto him, and lay there for several moments before she moved off of him and turned onto her side. He placed a kiss on her shoulder as he moved to spoon her naked body.
Unconsciousness was soon reached.
Thursday, 2 September 2010
I Still - Chapter 2
Chapter 2 -
“Unfaithful?” he replied. She noticed the mischievous glint in his eyes as he replied to her. “Have you ever been unfaithful Paw-ler?” he asked, drawing out her name, adding extra care and pronunciation with every syllable as he spoke.
“Nope,” she replied quickly before shifting her body, so that she was laying down on the bed with a few pillows propped beneath her so that she wasn’t completely flat. “If I ever did he would have to be pretty spectacular to justify me doing such a heinous thing.”
“Anyone you know who would fit that bill?” he enquired as he moved to mirror her position on the bed. She turned her head to watch him as he slowly moved things around the bed so that he too was comfortable.
“Nope,” she replied darkly as she pressed play on the machine. She could feel his eyes on her as she turned onto her side, allowing her to see the movie a little more clearly. Once she’d turned so that her back was to him he struck. He placed his hands underneath her before pulling them back, taking the pillows with him and placing them underneath him. This caused the popcorn she had placed in front of her to go flying as her arms flew out in surprise.
“You son of a bitch!” she screamed with surprise as she turned around to face him. Her eyes a blaze with fire as she stared him down, whilst he remained completely silent his face complete with wide, cheeky grin. She knew just by the look upon his face that he wasn’t going to give her the pillows back without a fight and she was too tired to fight him so she decided on a different tactic. One that was sure to work in her favour. She began to cry, the tears began to fall down her cheeks.
She quickly found herself wrapped up in his strong, warm, comforting arms as he rocked her slowly and begged her to tell him what was wrong. She quickly reached down under his trouser, took a hold of his boxers and pulled up fast, letting out a loud boisterous laugh as he rolled backwards off of the bed and onto the floor as he loud a grunt from her action. Her plan worked but surprisingly it didn’t give her the satisfaction she thought it would; he was laying on the floor looking at her, his eyes taking on a pained look.
“I’m so, so, so sorry,” she whispered as she quickly clambered off the bed and straddled his hips, letting out a laugh as his hands moved to her ass. She could feel his hot, tantalising flesh burning through the thin material of her vest. She moved her head slightly to see his eyes were focussed at the level of her chest. Her smile became seductive as she leaned forward slightly providing him with a clear view of her chest.
“No bra?” he rasped. She simply nodded her head In agreement as she tried to fathom out what had gotten into her tonight. She wasn’t usually this brazen, especially this brazen in front of and for Simon. For Simon of people. For the person she’d been attracted to since meeting him all that time ago. Despite their mutual hatred for one another during season 1, she’d wanted nothing more than to push him into a room, rip his clothes off and ride him hard.
“Can we get up? This is hard on my back,” he asked politely as his fingers softly and slowly rubbed circles on her ass. He moved his hands as she began to move away from him, and once she was stood she offered a hand to help him up. He gladly accepted as he took a hold of her hand and stood up before she lead them back over to the bed.
“You made us miss some of the movie,” she pouted as they moved back onto the bed and made themselves comfortable with plenty of pillows between them.
“Just put it back to the beginning then,” he replied sarcastically as he reached for the remote and took it out of her hand where he began to press a few buttons, smiling when the movie went back to the beginning and started playing again.
“I could have done that you know?” she replied, taking the remote back off him before settling to watch the movie.
He didn’t know how much time had passed, when they’d become so engrossed in the movie, when they’d moved closer to one another. So close that skin was touching, could feel when the other exhaled or inhaled, how their bodies would move with each breath of air.
His gaze was focussed on the movie playing out in front of them. His gaze watching intently with every second that passed. He watched as Oliver Martinez ran his hands over Diane Lane’s body, as he pulled her close to him and fucked her quick and hard in the hallway outside of his apartment. How they were swearing bloody murder at one another as her jealousy at seeing him with another woman consumed and angered her, how he tried to control and tame her temper with little success as it too flared him, filling the two with arousal as they fucked one another hard in an hallway where anyone could find them.
His mind was then struck by another thought. He watched as the people on the screen changed. Their actions didn’t. He was now watching himself and Paula on the screen as the scene played out in from him again. He felt his pants growing increasingly tight as he imagined her tight, wet hotness enveloped him, stretching and contracting around him as he fucked her hard whilst her nails were scratching up and down his back, her moans loud and passionate in his ear as he plunged into her over and over again.
“Simon.” he snapped out of his daze by the sound of her voice, her tone hot and sultry as she spoke. He moved his gaze from the movie to her where he found she’d turned to face him, her hand was dangerously close to her breast as she pursed her lips and gazed hungrily at him - like she wanted to devour him.
“Pa-” He wasn’t given a second longer as her lips came down upon his in what was to be a hot, hungry passion-filled kiss. She moved her body so that she was straddling his hips,. Her wet, heaving womanhood was now directly pressed against his crotch. She was doing everything she could to awaken his cock how she wanted. He groaned loudly into her mouth as her hips pressed down on him sending his cock to full erection, her tongue pushed it’s way passed his lips where they began the age old battle of the duel.
Their teeth clinked hard as his hands came up around her waist, his fingers slowly moved up her side until they reached the edge of her vest top which he swiftly threw over her head leaving her breasts bare to him. The lust overtook him and he pushed her backwards on the bed, his mouth latching onto her breast whilst his hand twisted and tweaked her free nipple until she was writing beneath him; begging him for more.
The lips clashed hotly both fuelled by their previously denied desire and the passion. The thrill and excitement that they could get caught fuelled through their bodies as they applied everything they had into the kiss, yearning, aching for their lower bodies to enact the same thing.
They were crossing that line. The line which almost always should never be crossed because crossing it brought nothing but trouble.
Their bodies were pressed tightly together, no air space between them as he assaulted her breasts with his mouth and hands leaving her writhing. Her body ablaze and filled with passion and yearning for him as he pressed her down into the mattress unable to move for his touch which was sending her crazy.
Suddenly she couldn’t take it no more. It was driving her insane. She needed to feel him, not just feel him touching her. She needed to feel him too. Her hand pushed between them as she swiftly undid the button of jeans, her hand moving to circle his cock with a tight squeeze as he moaned into her ear at the feel of her touching him. It still wasn’t enough so she hooked her toes into the belt loops of his jeans and pushed them down. Leaving his lower half as exposed as her. “No underwear?” she whispered seductively into his ear.
“Left it off for you,” he rasped in reply as she raked her nails up and down his length, smiling at the total look of bliss on his face, the loud moans which left his lips as she worked her hand on him. She slowly moved down his body, her lips trailing kisses which left him aching for more contact as her soft, plump, luscious lips burned their way down his straining body. Her groaned loudly as her nails roughly flicked his nipples before she bit down on one with her teeth; biting down hard before she soothed it with her tongue. She ignored his groans of displeasure, the pained groans as she moved down his body. She looked up to see his eyes were closed as she moved her body so that she was eye-level with his straining cock. He tried to shift closer to her as he felt her inhaling, taking in the scent of his. Her hot, warm breath so close to him was too much to bear.
She tortured him some more. She wasn’t ready yet to dive in head first, so she started off slow. She ran her tongue along the length of his raging erection before taking one of his balls into her mouth where she sucked it softly, whilst her other finger slowly tickled the other.
“AHHH!” he moaned loudly as he felt her hot lips engulfing his raging, hot erection. She placed her hand at his base to help steady him as her lips touched the tip of his raging erection. His groan was loud and deep as she slowly deep-throated him, her tongue tickling him and sending him into a frenzy as she moved down onto him. She looked up and caught his brief gaze - his eyes were glazed over and almost completely black with lust, desire and want before the pleasure of her actions became to much and they slammed shut as he bucked up into her mouth. Her hands worked in perfect sync with her mouth as she worked on him. He could feel himself getting closer and closer to the edge, his moans getting louder and louder as she sucked him hot and hard into her mouth. He felt as if an eternity had passed when he found relief as he finally let go; let go into her as she lapped up everything he offered her and once he was finished she placed a kiss on the tip of his penis before moving back up his body, placing a kiss on every spot she uncovered. She slowly lifted his t-shirt up and off of his body leaving him totally naked beneath her.
She gazed hungrily down at his hungry body. Pausing as she decided what her next action was when suddenly she felt his hands on her waist as he flipped them over, his hard, naked body towering over her small, hot and sweaty body.
Despite her lower body still being clothed, she felt totally naked, bare and totally wanted, totally sex as his lust-filled eyes raked hungrily over her body. As he drunk in the sight of her laying there half-naked beneath him, she watched his eyes close. Knowing that he was imagining what lay beneath her tight, little shorts.
She decided to show him. His eyes followed her hands as they placed themselves on the edge of her shorts, as they slowly pulled her shorts down revealing her lack of underwear and her wet, glistening womanhood to him.
He moaned appreciatively as his hand made it’s way down to her centre where without warning he thrust a finger inside of her. Smiling as she let out a piercing scream and threw her head back into total pleasure. His smile grew wider, his cock grew harder above her as she worked her muscles in sync with his fingers. Moaning loudly when he began flicking them furiously between her clit and g-spot as he brought her and closer to the edge. Closer to nirvana, the sweet, sweet place of nirvana.
“Si…gonna…” she panted as he added a third finger and his tongue into the mix. His fingers working hard inside of her as leant down and lapped up her juices with his tongue; a drop at a time. Each touch of his hot, course tongue on her lips was enough to send her out of her mind with pleasure. She didn’t know how much more she could take when he suddenly stopped. She opened her eyes with a loud groan as she opened her eyes to see him placing a pair of black 5-inch heels with encrusted diamonds to her feet.
“Si-” she began, stopping when he pulled her to her feet. He stopped, paused as he once again hungrily, passionately raked his lust-blackened eyes of her completely naked form pausing at her feet before he lifted her around the waist and threw her down on the bed, her legs landing spread as she provided him with a in-depth view of her womanhood, which aided by the moonlight shining in the from the window glistened in front of his eyes.
No words were spoken as he moved to place her legs over his shoulder and entered her hard. A loud scream emanated from her lips as he thrust his cock into her tight, wet womanhood stretching her walls with pleasure. He groaned as his earlier dreams of her tight hot, wetness enveloping him, her nails scratching up and down his back as her screams of pleasure resounded in his ear.
“God! Simon I…”
“Unfaithful?” he replied. She noticed the mischievous glint in his eyes as he replied to her. “Have you ever been unfaithful Paw-ler?” he asked, drawing out her name, adding extra care and pronunciation with every syllable as he spoke.
“Nope,” she replied quickly before shifting her body, so that she was laying down on the bed with a few pillows propped beneath her so that she wasn’t completely flat. “If I ever did he would have to be pretty spectacular to justify me doing such a heinous thing.”
“Anyone you know who would fit that bill?” he enquired as he moved to mirror her position on the bed. She turned her head to watch him as he slowly moved things around the bed so that he too was comfortable.
“Nope,” she replied darkly as she pressed play on the machine. She could feel his eyes on her as she turned onto her side, allowing her to see the movie a little more clearly. Once she’d turned so that her back was to him he struck. He placed his hands underneath her before pulling them back, taking the pillows with him and placing them underneath him. This caused the popcorn she had placed in front of her to go flying as her arms flew out in surprise.
“You son of a bitch!” she screamed with surprise as she turned around to face him. Her eyes a blaze with fire as she stared him down, whilst he remained completely silent his face complete with wide, cheeky grin. She knew just by the look upon his face that he wasn’t going to give her the pillows back without a fight and she was too tired to fight him so she decided on a different tactic. One that was sure to work in her favour. She began to cry, the tears began to fall down her cheeks.
She quickly found herself wrapped up in his strong, warm, comforting arms as he rocked her slowly and begged her to tell him what was wrong. She quickly reached down under his trouser, took a hold of his boxers and pulled up fast, letting out a loud boisterous laugh as he rolled backwards off of the bed and onto the floor as he loud a grunt from her action. Her plan worked but surprisingly it didn’t give her the satisfaction she thought it would; he was laying on the floor looking at her, his eyes taking on a pained look.
“I’m so, so, so sorry,” she whispered as she quickly clambered off the bed and straddled his hips, letting out a laugh as his hands moved to her ass. She could feel his hot, tantalising flesh burning through the thin material of her vest. She moved her head slightly to see his eyes were focussed at the level of her chest. Her smile became seductive as she leaned forward slightly providing him with a clear view of her chest.
“No bra?” he rasped. She simply nodded her head In agreement as she tried to fathom out what had gotten into her tonight. She wasn’t usually this brazen, especially this brazen in front of and for Simon. For Simon of people. For the person she’d been attracted to since meeting him all that time ago. Despite their mutual hatred for one another during season 1, she’d wanted nothing more than to push him into a room, rip his clothes off and ride him hard.
“Can we get up? This is hard on my back,” he asked politely as his fingers softly and slowly rubbed circles on her ass. He moved his hands as she began to move away from him, and once she was stood she offered a hand to help him up. He gladly accepted as he took a hold of her hand and stood up before she lead them back over to the bed.
“You made us miss some of the movie,” she pouted as they moved back onto the bed and made themselves comfortable with plenty of pillows between them.
“Just put it back to the beginning then,” he replied sarcastically as he reached for the remote and took it out of her hand where he began to press a few buttons, smiling when the movie went back to the beginning and started playing again.
“I could have done that you know?” she replied, taking the remote back off him before settling to watch the movie.
He didn’t know how much time had passed, when they’d become so engrossed in the movie, when they’d moved closer to one another. So close that skin was touching, could feel when the other exhaled or inhaled, how their bodies would move with each breath of air.
His gaze was focussed on the movie playing out in front of them. His gaze watching intently with every second that passed. He watched as Oliver Martinez ran his hands over Diane Lane’s body, as he pulled her close to him and fucked her quick and hard in the hallway outside of his apartment. How they were swearing bloody murder at one another as her jealousy at seeing him with another woman consumed and angered her, how he tried to control and tame her temper with little success as it too flared him, filling the two with arousal as they fucked one another hard in an hallway where anyone could find them.
His mind was then struck by another thought. He watched as the people on the screen changed. Their actions didn’t. He was now watching himself and Paula on the screen as the scene played out in from him again. He felt his pants growing increasingly tight as he imagined her tight, wet hotness enveloped him, stretching and contracting around him as he fucked her hard whilst her nails were scratching up and down his back, her moans loud and passionate in his ear as he plunged into her over and over again.
“Simon.” he snapped out of his daze by the sound of her voice, her tone hot and sultry as she spoke. He moved his gaze from the movie to her where he found she’d turned to face him, her hand was dangerously close to her breast as she pursed her lips and gazed hungrily at him - like she wanted to devour him.
“Pa-” He wasn’t given a second longer as her lips came down upon his in what was to be a hot, hungry passion-filled kiss. She moved her body so that she was straddling his hips,. Her wet, heaving womanhood was now directly pressed against his crotch. She was doing everything she could to awaken his cock how she wanted. He groaned loudly into her mouth as her hips pressed down on him sending his cock to full erection, her tongue pushed it’s way passed his lips where they began the age old battle of the duel.
Their teeth clinked hard as his hands came up around her waist, his fingers slowly moved up her side until they reached the edge of her vest top which he swiftly threw over her head leaving her breasts bare to him. The lust overtook him and he pushed her backwards on the bed, his mouth latching onto her breast whilst his hand twisted and tweaked her free nipple until she was writing beneath him; begging him for more.
The lips clashed hotly both fuelled by their previously denied desire and the passion. The thrill and excitement that they could get caught fuelled through their bodies as they applied everything they had into the kiss, yearning, aching for their lower bodies to enact the same thing.
They were crossing that line. The line which almost always should never be crossed because crossing it brought nothing but trouble.
Their bodies were pressed tightly together, no air space between them as he assaulted her breasts with his mouth and hands leaving her writhing. Her body ablaze and filled with passion and yearning for him as he pressed her down into the mattress unable to move for his touch which was sending her crazy.
Suddenly she couldn’t take it no more. It was driving her insane. She needed to feel him, not just feel him touching her. She needed to feel him too. Her hand pushed between them as she swiftly undid the button of jeans, her hand moving to circle his cock with a tight squeeze as he moaned into her ear at the feel of her touching him. It still wasn’t enough so she hooked her toes into the belt loops of his jeans and pushed them down. Leaving his lower half as exposed as her. “No underwear?” she whispered seductively into his ear.
“Left it off for you,” he rasped in reply as she raked her nails up and down his length, smiling at the total look of bliss on his face, the loud moans which left his lips as she worked her hand on him. She slowly moved down his body, her lips trailing kisses which left him aching for more contact as her soft, plump, luscious lips burned their way down his straining body. Her groaned loudly as her nails roughly flicked his nipples before she bit down on one with her teeth; biting down hard before she soothed it with her tongue. She ignored his groans of displeasure, the pained groans as she moved down his body. She looked up to see his eyes were closed as she moved her body so that she was eye-level with his straining cock. He tried to shift closer to her as he felt her inhaling, taking in the scent of his. Her hot, warm breath so close to him was too much to bear.
She tortured him some more. She wasn’t ready yet to dive in head first, so she started off slow. She ran her tongue along the length of his raging erection before taking one of his balls into her mouth where she sucked it softly, whilst her other finger slowly tickled the other.
“AHHH!” he moaned loudly as he felt her hot lips engulfing his raging, hot erection. She placed her hand at his base to help steady him as her lips touched the tip of his raging erection. His groan was loud and deep as she slowly deep-throated him, her tongue tickling him and sending him into a frenzy as she moved down onto him. She looked up and caught his brief gaze - his eyes were glazed over and almost completely black with lust, desire and want before the pleasure of her actions became to much and they slammed shut as he bucked up into her mouth. Her hands worked in perfect sync with her mouth as she worked on him. He could feel himself getting closer and closer to the edge, his moans getting louder and louder as she sucked him hot and hard into her mouth. He felt as if an eternity had passed when he found relief as he finally let go; let go into her as she lapped up everything he offered her and once he was finished she placed a kiss on the tip of his penis before moving back up his body, placing a kiss on every spot she uncovered. She slowly lifted his t-shirt up and off of his body leaving him totally naked beneath her.
She gazed hungrily down at his hungry body. Pausing as she decided what her next action was when suddenly she felt his hands on her waist as he flipped them over, his hard, naked body towering over her small, hot and sweaty body.
Despite her lower body still being clothed, she felt totally naked, bare and totally wanted, totally sex as his lust-filled eyes raked hungrily over her body. As he drunk in the sight of her laying there half-naked beneath him, she watched his eyes close. Knowing that he was imagining what lay beneath her tight, little shorts.
She decided to show him. His eyes followed her hands as they placed themselves on the edge of her shorts, as they slowly pulled her shorts down revealing her lack of underwear and her wet, glistening womanhood to him.
He moaned appreciatively as his hand made it’s way down to her centre where without warning he thrust a finger inside of her. Smiling as she let out a piercing scream and threw her head back into total pleasure. His smile grew wider, his cock grew harder above her as she worked her muscles in sync with his fingers. Moaning loudly when he began flicking them furiously between her clit and g-spot as he brought her and closer to the edge. Closer to nirvana, the sweet, sweet place of nirvana.
“Si…gonna…” she panted as he added a third finger and his tongue into the mix. His fingers working hard inside of her as leant down and lapped up her juices with his tongue; a drop at a time. Each touch of his hot, course tongue on her lips was enough to send her out of her mind with pleasure. She didn’t know how much more she could take when he suddenly stopped. She opened her eyes with a loud groan as she opened her eyes to see him placing a pair of black 5-inch heels with encrusted diamonds to her feet.
“Si-” she began, stopping when he pulled her to her feet. He stopped, paused as he once again hungrily, passionately raked his lust-blackened eyes of her completely naked form pausing at her feet before he lifted her around the waist and threw her down on the bed, her legs landing spread as she provided him with a in-depth view of her womanhood, which aided by the moonlight shining in the from the window glistened in front of his eyes.
No words were spoken as he moved to place her legs over his shoulder and entered her hard. A loud scream emanated from her lips as he thrust his cock into her tight, wet womanhood stretching her walls with pleasure. He groaned as his earlier dreams of her tight hot, wetness enveloping him, her nails scratching up and down his back as her screams of pleasure resounded in his ear.
“God! Simon I…”
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