Unspoken Words

Chapter 2.

He can feel her looking up at him. Her eyes are filled with tears as she does her eyes are burning into him but he can’t look at her, he just can’t. His eyes, his gaze is transfixed on her arms, on the little bundle who lay there as she slept softly. He watched as she nuzzled into her mother and let out a little sigh in her sleep.

She looked so much like Paula. He could tell this only from seeing her face. Her little face was pinched in sleep, her breathes so cute and wispy. He was unable to move. He couldn’t look away from the little girl even as Paula stood from the rocking chair and placed her in the small, pink crib which was situated across the room.

“Simon,” he looked down at his feet as he heard her whisper his name whilst she walked closer to him. Closer to him after all that time apart. He couldn’t look at her because if he did then he would be forced to admit that this was all real. It wasn’t a dream that she really had left him, that she’d vanished for a year with no word at all as too whether she was safe and well or not.

She was a mother. She’d become a mother and she’d not told him. That fact made him feel as if someone had taken a hammer to his heart and shattered it in one fail swoop. He wasn’t feeling anything. She’d always been the one who pulled so many of his strings and today was no exception. Even after a year of no contact between them she still had such an impact over him.

“Her name is Alexia Grace Abdul. She was born the on the first of May this year in my friends bed. I was in Alaska. That is where I have been the whole time. I went into labour and it progressed so quickly that there was no time for my friend to take me to a hospital. It would have taken us at least half an hour to get that and it seems that Lexi didn’t want to wait that long. Her name means warrior in Greek. Her father is no one. It was just a one night stand which had consequences. And before you say it yes, I know I don’t do one night stands.”

He was going to speak. He was going to say something. He was. He was until they heard Ryan’s voice behind him, shocked and stunned by what he saw in front of him.

“Whose that?” he asked. “What’s going?” he asked, his gaze darting from Paula and Simon and back again.

She watched as Simon looked at her briefly in the eye before turning to face Ryan where he uttered the words: “She’s had a baby without us Ryan. Let’s go.” She would have cried as she watched the two of them turn and walk away from her but no she had more important things to do because the noise had startled her baby girl from her sleep.

*

“What am I going to do Wendy? He hates me!” she wailed as she entered the kitchen where Wendy was waiting with coffee once she’d made sure the door to the nursery was shut and the baby monitor was safe in her hand. “I’ve text him and text him and text him till I am blue in the face! Does he reply? No, he doesn’t!”

“What do you want me to say?” Wendy replied. “We all had to completely cut him out of our lives because you’d gotten knocked up and decided to run away!”

“You know why I left! You know the reason and why it mustn’t come out!” She sparred back as she fought her tears.

“Yes,” Wendy whispered, her voice absent from the hard edge it had possessed just moments before. “I know why and I’m not judging you. But you have no idea what it was like for us pretending that we knew nothing, cutting him and Ryan out the way we did. It was horrible. You left with no reason, no word. No, nothing. They knew nothing. I can’t even begin to imagine what it was like for him and Ryan when you were gone. Simon thought you were dead. The look on his face when he whispered that will forever be imprinted into my head. So I think it is understandable that neither of them wants to speak to you but at least neither has gone to the press about Lexi,” Wendy finished with a big sigh emanating from her lips. She felt so guilty about saying it but she needed to say it.

“I know. I know. I understand. It just hurts that they won’t speak to me. I honestly half-expected them all to rush at me and never let me go when they found out that I was back, but then the other part of me knew they would react like this. I knew they’d hate me. Well at least Randy still loves me. He came round when mum had taken Lexi for a few hours so he doesn’t know. I told him I needed time out so I went away to work on some songs. I just miss him. I miss Simon,” she whispered, her voice shaking as she touched the locket around her neck. The locket that Simon had given her the Christmas before her last Idol season aired.

“I know you do. I know you do Hun. But what’s done is done. You have to let them adjust to what they both know. Let them deal with it in their own. Besides you’ve got the finale next week. You can see him next week and Ryan. Anyways give Lexi a kiss from me I got to go. Bye,” she said, pausing as she kissed her sister on the cheek before making a swift exit.

*

“To serve with love.”

She couldn’t believe how quickly the night had flown. She couldn’t ignore the rush of happiness which had flooded through her when the two of them were reunited. Especially when she came to sit on his lap and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her like he used to before when he could still stomach the sight of her.

They’d pretended like the true actors they were. The media was buzzing with news of ‘Saula.’ People were literally foaming at the mouth after the Idol finale. She’d seen some of the forums and it broke her heart to know the truth. She wished for just a moment that she could be as blissfully ignorant as everyone else and to believe that ‘Saula’ was alive and kicking.

The one good thing about all of this was Alexia. She loved her baby girl more than anything in this world. She truly was the light of her life and despite the way things had turned she wouldn’t change any of it because if she did then she wouldn’t have her baby girl; she wouldn’t have Alexia.

*

“Simon you have got to let it go,” Ryan pleaded once more.

“I can’t let it go!” he yelled. “She’s lying to me and I want to know the truth. Paula never ever has one night stands. Ever. So why now? There is more to the story and I want to know what it is.”

“What about your fiancée? Hmm?? What about Mezhgan Simon? She is supposed to be the ’one’ and yet you are obsessed with another woman! You have feelings for Paula don’t you? Mezhgan is nothing more than a distraction so that you don’t have to face what you are really feeling, isn’t she? Admit it!” Ryan yelled as he saw the look of anger on Simon’s face. He’d quite clearly hit a nerve.

“There is nothing to admit. I have to get through some paper work before I fly back to England tomorrow so I’d appreciate it if you left,” Simon snarled as he focused his attention back to his desk.

“Grow the fuck up Simon!” Ryan snapped before he complied with Simon’s wishes and left. Except Simon didn’t know that Ryan was leaving because he had to be in a different place.

*

“Paula, Paula,” he whispered once he stepped quietly into her hallway. He knew the baby might be asleep and so he didn’t want to disturb her so he decided that whispering might be his best bet. He’d only seen a glance of Alexia and it had left him disturbed. There was something familiar about the little girl but he couldn’t work out what.

Simon’s slip of words was still playing on his mind. ‘She didn’t even tell me she was leaving especially after -’ After what he wondered. He hadn’t dared ask Simon about it again considering the reaction he’d gotten for asking in the first place. It hadn’t stopped him thinking about it, what it could be.

“Paula,” he whispered once more as he headed into the living room only to find her asleep on the sofa. The TV was on in the background. He smiled at the thought her falling asleep whilst watching a movie. Some chick flick by the look of it. “Paula,” he whispered as he knelt beside her and shook her shoulder softly so she awakened.

“Ryan what are you doing here?” she asked, covering her mouth as she yawned before stretching and sitting up.

“I want to know the truth. I know that both you and Simon are lying about something, particularly you and I want to know what. I know that you weren’t telling the truth about Alexia’s father being a one night stand. Simon is convinced you are lying and I believe him.”

“I’m not lying!” she protested. He knows she’s lying because she refuses to look him in the eyes. She is looking at her arms whilst she fiddles with a piece of material to her sleeve. “I’m not lying!” She protested once more when she looks up to see him staring at her, the look on his face telling her that he doesn’t believe a word she is saying and why should he when she’s not telling the truth.

“Don’t treat me like I am some kind of idiot. Why do you have to keep lying to me? To us? Why? I know something happened between the two of you and I want to know what so tell me and stop lying!”

“Ok,” she whispered as she finally looked him in the eye. “I lied. I lied. I lied. I lied!” she said sobbing.

“Paula?” he asked softly.

“It was a one night stand. That part is at least true but the part where I said I didn’t know the identity of the father well that is a lie. I know who the father is.”

“Who?” he asked after she’d stayed quiet too long.

“Simon,” she whispered. “Simon is the father. The fantastic Simon Phillip Cowell knocked me up after a one night stand!” she spat angrily.

“I don’t understand,” he replied as he moved closer to her on the sofa.

“We had sex and he wasn’t single! I mean it just happened. He was over here, we were drinking wine and watching a movie. Then it just happened. It was like we were the only two people in the world but then the morning came along with the real world. I woke up all wrapped in his arms. It was like something out of a fairytale. It was perfect but then his phone rang. It was her. His girlfriend well no she’s his fiancée now. We didn’t say a word to one another whilst he was leaving. Three weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. I had to leave. I don’t know why but I did. So I called my friend Amy who lives up in Alaska and asked if I could stay with her. She said yes so I cancelled all my commitments and off I went.”

“Simon!” she gasped loudly as the two of them turned to the archway only to see Simon standing there. His eyes were ablaze with anger and hurt. Had he heard everything? “What did you hear?” she asked as she stood and made a few steps over to him.

He says nothing. He merely opens up his wallet before taking out some bills and throwing them at her. “I’m not her father! Don’t you dare reveal this to anyone! I never will be a father!”

“Simon!” she screams as she falls into Ryan’s arms in tears. “He’s gone and he isn’t coming back!”

Unspoken Words

Chapter 1.

You could a pin drop, every breath in and every exhale as the sudden and deafening silence that filled the room like dark, poisonous cloud. He could literally hear as if he were a machine, the internal cogs wiring around inside of him at the speed of a mile a minute whilst he sat in the bed his mind reliving the news of her return over and over again.

She's returned. He should be overjoyed that she is back. That she is alive, safe and well but no he isn't; he's angry and in disbelief. He doesn't believe what he just heard and saw. His mind must be playing tricks on him. Maybe his age is finally catching up with him or something. Better yet this must be a nightmare. Some sick trick that his subconscious has decided to play on him because she is here. She never left. None of this is real. None of it.

He saw his mind flying back. Flying back to the past of moments already gone. He saw her leaning over him after she'd barged through his dressing room door intent on apologising to him for her outburst on air regarding his father and what happened after.

*

He wouldn't cry. He wouldn't cry because he couldn't cry. He was numb. He felt nothing as he sat and stared out of his dressing room window watching the city below him burned brightly, the people, the places all alive continuing their lives totally unaware of his pained stare from above.

He was still here, still sat in his dressing room numbed, totally numbed and unable to leave. There was something, through his numbed haze he didn't know what, was compelling him to stay and not leave. He couldn't leave, he was uncertain as to whether he wanted to leave or not. He just didn't know.

He just didn't know as he kept hearing her voice over and over again in his head. It took him a while to realise that her voice wasn't in his head, it was real and in the same room as him; she was here. She was here with him.

"Simon," he shuddered as he heard her soft whisper behind him, her hand on his shoulder, her touch burning through his clothes, scorching his skin.

He opened his mouth to speak but no words were formed. His mouth moved in a silent motion before he brought his lips together pursing them tightly whilst his face conveyed an expression of little or no emotion. Her voice filled him with emotion, the feeling of total numbness seemed to change and transform.

"Simon," she repeated, her voice a little stronger than before as she moved to sit next to him on the sofa. Her line of vision the same as his whilst he continued to gaze out the window. "I'm sorry. I didn't know about your dad. I honestly didn't," she sighed. "I guess there is a lot that I don't know about you huh? Simon say something. Anything please?" His silence was deafening, worrying as the two sat in total silence.

"Who told you?" she turned her head to the source of the whisper. He was looking at her. His eyes filled with unshed tears, his jaw tightly set, his body tense. He was staring at her and she found it very unnerving, so uncomfortable. She could feel herself trying not to squirm to show that he wasn't affecting her as he stared at her with a painful stare. "Who told you?" he said again, his voice stern and angry.

"Nigel. Nigel told me," she replied, her gaze lowered to her legs as she addressed him. "After you left he pulled me aside and he told me everything. Simon I'm so sorry. You've no idea how sorry I am for what I said and when I said it."

"Sorry!" he scoffed. He stood and moved over to the window before turning to her his eyes were ablaze with anger and what looked like betrayal. "Sorry! You aren't sorry! You don't know the meaning of the word. You hate me. I've belittled you for months and you've been waiting for your revenge. Well congratulations because tonight you finally succeeded. You finally hurt me more than I ever hurt you, I suspect. So please, I'd like it if you and your pity would leave me alone now. I said GO!" he screamed when she remained in her spot, unmoving, her eyes, her gaze was now focused on him.

"No!" she said, sparring back at him.

"I said GO! Why won't you go?" he questioned as he turned to face the window, trying to ignore her to get the message and to leave him alone. He'd be fine once he'd had a little time to calm down.

"Because Simon you need me. Look at you! I can see what my words are doing to you and it really hurts me to know that it was me who caused you this pain. Except I snapped and said what I said not meaning to cause you any pain whereas you meant to hurt me!" she screamed, her voice full of her built-up emotion. "Every time you made me cry, you meant it!

"You bitch!" he screamed, his voice full of rage as he moved across the room and pushed her up against the wall, his lips covering hers in a hot, passionate kiss. He moaned loudly into her mouth as she moved to wrap her legs tightly around his waist pulling him closer to her, her pelvis crushed sensually against his whilst he thrust his tongue into her mouth, his hands falling to ass.

"Oh God!" she moaned aloud as she felt the air hitting her chest as he swiftly pushed her top up and bared her to him; she wasn't wearing a bra. His mouth roughly came down on her and bit down hard before he used his tongue to sooth her.

Before she knew it she let out a scream as he thrust his rock hard erection into her wet, heaving womanhood. Both applied all the hurt pain into their movements; the clenching of her walls, the angle and thrust of his hips left them both screaming, yearning for more as it brought them closer and closer to the edge.

*

He remembered how afterwards when they come down from their high and redressed that she had slapped him across the face before leaving him alone in his dressing room. It had also been the day when things had changed between them. It had almost been as if that one comment and it's consequences had actually had a positive effect because it had brought them so much closer together.

"I'm coming to get you!" he said into the phone before hanging up. He needed to get dressed. There was no way he could go out in his current state of dress or lack there of.

"Where are you going? Simon!" Mezhgan screamed as Simon rushed out of the room with his keys, phone and Kools in hand. "Simon!" she screamed once more as he completely ignored her. She suspected that it had something to do with what Paula's return. Her return from what she didn't know.

*

"What the hell is going on?" Ryan asked as Simon pulled out of the driveway and sped off down the road at a speed which Ryan knew to be illegal.

"She's back! You saw!" Simon snapped in reply, his eyes focused on the road ahead of him as he successfully sped through the streets of Los Angeles towards the nearest entrance to the freeway. "How the hell can she just reappear after all this time? What the fuck is wrong with her? Who the hell does she think she fucking us around like this, huh?"

"Slow down!" Ryan screamed as he glanced over at the Speedo and so it was well over 120. "Your going to bloody kill us! How are we supposed to find out what the fuck is going on with her if we are dead?" he let out a sigh of relief as he saw the arrow on the Speedo fall, indicating that Simon had dramatically reduced their speed so that they were just going the limit.

"I'm sorry," Simon whispered, his voice so soft that Ryan nearly missed it. "I've missed her. It's been killing me not knowing what the hell is going on. Where she is? If she was ok or was she injured or dead? I knew nothing and it nearly tore me up inside. I missed my poodle so excuse me for being just a little pissed to turn on my TV and find that she is back. She's back and she didn't tell me. She didn't even tell me she was leaving especially after -"

"After what?" Ryan cut in before Simon had the chance to retract his words. The words that Ryan could quite clearly tell by the look on Simon's face that he hadn't meant to say. They had been a quite accidental slip of the tongue. "After what Simon?"

"Nothing. It was nothing Ryan so just drop it and pretend that you never heard anything, ok?" Simon replied, his voice strained as he spoke showing to Ryan that is quite clearly wasn't 'nothing' but Ryan knew not to press him especially now.

The rest of the journey was spent in an awkward silence as they continued to speed through the streets of Los Angeles which lead them to her house. The house she still owned. Neither knew what to say or if they actually wanted to say anything at all.

Ryan knew there was more to the relationship between Simon and Paula than even their close friends knew but it was one of the things which should always remain private between Simon and Paula. One of those things which are always kept secret and never revealed.

"Someone's home," Ryan snapped out of his revere when he heard Simon's whisper. He realised the car had come to a stop. They'd arrived; they were at her house and clearly someone was home because the curtains were opened which was unusual seeing as they'd been closed for nearly a year since she'd vanished.

"I'll search downstairs and you search upstairs," Ryan said softly after Simon had fished the front door key she'd given them out of his pocket. Years ago Paula had given Ryan, Randy and Simon a key each and the code to her house if ever there was an emergency; this was an emergency.


He could feel his heart pound violently in his chest, his heartbeat loud and deafening in his ears as he watched Ryan disappear from view and into the kitchen whilst he slowly ascended the stairs to the first floor of her home. The floor where it happened. No, nothing happened he wouldn't be thinking about that anymore. He couldn't.

"God," he whispered softly as he reached the top of the stairs. He felt like such a criminal as he snuck into her house to try and find her. He felt as if he was going to wake up any minute because this was all one big, horrible dream.

"What?" he whispered as he came to a complete stop. He heard something; something which sounded so, so familiar to him. Something that he hadn't heard in so long; someone was singing. He rushed towards the sound eager to find out what it was.

He opened the door to what was her spare bedroom and he wished he hadn't. He wished from that particular moment he'd never turned on the TV just those few hours before because now he had his answer and he wasn't sure as too whether he wanted it.

There sat in a rocking chair was the woman he'd not seen for nearly a year. The woman who had plagued his thoughts and his dreams. Yes, there sat Paula Abdul with a beautiful, little baby girl sleeping contently in her arms.

Unspoken Words

Prologue.

The silence plagues them like the pain of a thousand knives to the chest. It is like radio silence. They know nothing. They can't know more because the truth, the answers to their questions is eluding them whilst giving them an impression that the questions they are asking are simply unanswerable.

She'd vanished. It was as if she'd disappeared into thin air because she seemed to have disappeared off of the face of the earth; she was gone. She was gone which to them was totally unacceptable. They had to find her. It wasn't a question of if. It was simply a question of how. How would they find her when the only people who knew where she was wouldn't speak to them. Had good as cut off all contact with them for no fathomable reason as to why.

One of the most puzzling things of the whole situation was her house. Her house was still in her name. Everything was still there. All of her possessions were still in the same place. The only thing missing was her. A house which had previously screamed warmth and love now screamed a very dark and unsettling coldness now that she was gone.

The private investigators had turned up nothing. They had searched and searched and searched yet still they came up with nothing. The trail was cold. It had always been cold never warm as they searched for her. They knew she was somewhere they just couldn't work out where. They'd found out that the babies were living with Wendy but no one would say why. She adored her babies. They were such an important part in her life so why were they suddenly off living with Wendy whilst she vanished into thin air, why?

The tabloids were all clear of her. There hadn't been a word said about her in months not since she announced her decision to quit Idol. A decision which rocked the lives of many around the world, shocked an industry which had grown to love her even more than they had before. "With sadness in my heart, I've decided not to return." After the frenzy of her departure from Idol had died down all news of her seemed to die down too. There was nothing written in the media about her; no mentions of drug or alcohol addictions. No potential suitors. Nothing.

One day after what felt like months of searching they gave up. They hired people who were renowned in certain circles for being able to find whoever or whatever you wanted when you wanted but this time they'd found nothing. With everyday that past it became more and more unlikely that they were going to find what they were looking for. It was starting to destroy everything else around them. Relationships, work it was all suffering so they gave up.

"Si?" he heard a voice breaking through into subconscious, waking him from his peaceful slumber. He rolled over and tried to block out all noise so that he could go back to sleep but to no avail. He was awake. "Your phone is ringing."

"Wha…" he mumbled sleepily as he opened his eyes, his senses still sleepy as he did so.

"Your phone," Mezhgan spoke again as she reached over and handed Simon his phone. "It's Ryan," she said, handing him the phone once he'd sat up in bed.

"Ryan I'm sleeping!" he said, yawning into the phone as he spoke. "What!" he suddenly exclaimed loudly as he swiftly grabbed a hold of the TV and turned it onto the desired channel. The phone fell out of his hand.

"Paula is to serve as lead judge, executive producer, creative partner, mentor and coach on CBS' new dancing competition, Live to Dance which is based on the British version show Got to Dance," he spoke slowly.