I Still.

Chapter 4 -

She heaved her tired, broken body up off of the bed and made her across the room. Make up bag in hand. She stood in the bathroom facing the mirror as she took in her appearance. She let out a small and pitiful laugh as she saw her appearance. Her mascara and eye liner had run down her face in thick black lines. Her eyes were red from her tears, her throat was sore and her hair was a mess. It was more of a ratted bush than the luscious locks she'd had an hour before.

Slowly she cleaned off her make up, making sure her face was completely clean, completely free of make up; completely free of the day she'd had. She cleaned off the make up of the painful, awkward and uncomfortable day she'd had. She took a good look at herself in the mirror once she was free of her make up and sighed. Her old insecurities plaguing her once more as she took herself in. "Simon wouldn't want this anyways," she whispered softly as she reached for her foundation.

She felt a little stronger, a little more refreshed as she finished applying her makeup. The failure had been erased from her body, from her face but not her mind. She and Simon were the only people who knew what had happened and she knew Simon wouldn't say a word, and neither would she.

He would be painted as a stud, an eternal playboy who couldn't resist the lure of another woman despite having a beautiful stable woman at home. People would forgive him, they'd still love him, they'd still respect him despite it all. Whereas she'd be painted as a whore. A home wrecker who hadn't been laid in such a long time, she 'd be that desperate as to steal another woman's man.

Of course Simon meant the world to her. Besides her family and Daniel he was her rock. The one person she could turn to if she needed help and she'd pushed him away after a night of passion had left her torn and ravaged with guilt as she'd awoken, seconds later everything had flown back to her. And instead of feeling happy, warm and sated she felt like a disgusting whore. A fact which sickened her to her very core.

Sleeping with Simon wasn't supposed to make her feel this way. Sleeping with Simon was supposed to be one of those things you only dream of happening, and in your dream it was perfect. Sleeping with Simon had brought all of her fears to the surface. She was scared of losing him, and now she'd gone and done it. In what was sheer madness she'd completely freaked and pushed him away. She didn't blame him or hate him for what he'd said to her because she'd pushed him to it.

"Oh," she whispered as she caught site of the time. She had five minutes to get her stuff and herself out of the room where everything fell apart, and back downstairs into the lobby where she hoped no one would notice or suspect her pain before checkout.

She stood in the elevator, her bags around her as her mind drifted back to the other night when she and Simon had been along in the lift before everything had happened. The way she'd felt a dizzying heat pass through her body as his hand had touched her skin, how he'd played with her thong with his fingers and in that moment she'd fallen. She'd said yes as he touched her, she'd hadn't said no and pushed him away in disgust like normal. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that things would have gone a lot further in the lift if they'd not reached Simon's floor.

As the lift doors opened she spotted Randy and Ryan stood talking to someone at the front desk. They were deep in conversation as she approached them. The two of them only stopped when they heard her shout as she dropped her carry-on bag onto her foot whilst she was walking to them.

"P, baby. You ok?" Randy asked as he and Ryan rushed over to her whilst she put the rest of her luggage down.

"Yeah I'm fine," she replied. "You know what I'm like," she finished as she walked over to the desk and handed over her key with literally seconds to spare. Yes she could afford it without any problems but she really didn't want to have to pay for another night in a room she wasn't using. Especially that room. A room filled with a sordid, dirty, passionate secret.

Once everything was finalised with the hotel, a few bellboys were asked to help Randy, Ryan and especially Paula carry their bags out to the van which was taking them to the airport. Paula paid the boys a small tip once all their luggage was safely in the van and they were ready to go. She sat with Randy and Ryan next to her on the backseat conversing once again about Simon and his sudden departure.

She had to stifle a laugh when Ryan suggested maybe Simon's moodiness was down to him being on his period. If he was on his period that would be rather funny, and not because of what had happened between him and Paula she thought as she dug her phone out of her pocket.

She was feeling brave as she pressed 6 on her speed dial. She felt a pang of regret and disappointment flow through as she briefly heard the international dialling code before the call got disconnected. He was gone; he was already on the plane so his phone would be off. "He's already on the plane," she said as she noticed Randy and Ryan staring at her.

"It's okay Baby Girl," Randy whispered as he watched her crumble. Her tears falling hard and fast as he wrapped her up in his arms. "You know what Cowell is like when he gets all angry and wound up. Don't take it so personally. This time away from us all will let him chill and when we see him in Vegas he'll be fine." He held her tighter to him as he continued to sob.

By the time they arrived at the airport she had exhausted herself through crying, she was ready to fall asleep where she stood. Once they'd been through check-ins and customs she could finally sleep in the private area whilst they waited to board the plane. She slept against Randy's shoulder as Ryan tried in vain to get hold of Simon. Who either couldn't answer the phone or didn't want to. They all knew it was the second and It would be the second for a while. Well at least until he'd calmed down a bit, then he might talk; might being the appropriate word.

An hour later they were boarded and sat comfortably in First-Class waiting for the plane to begin taking off. Paula decided to try Simon a few more times before they took off just to hear his voice. She didn't care if he yelled she just needed to hear it; his voice had a way of helping ease her fears about the plane taking off. But of course his phone went straight to voicemail and the light came for them to turn off all electrical equipment and put on their seatbelts. "Simon," she whispered, how voice soft and barely sounding as she spoke. She needed him and she needed him now. But he wouldn't come, he couldn't come. He was somewhere over the Atlantic heading to London.

They'd landed in Los Angeles without any problems. The three of them had exited the plane as soon as they could, they were led to three vans which were waiting to take them to their homes where finally they could sleep and not worry about auditions and wannabes for a few days or one another.

The few days between auditions passed painfully slow for her. She'd tried calling him a bunch of times, she'd even rung him at the office but he'd not answered. Not even to tell her where to go. It was like radio silence. And each moment of silence was breaking her piece by piece as she yearned for him to forgive and talk to her once again.

Her heart begun to beat wildly in her chest as he walked into the room. She hadn't seen or heard from him since he walked out of the San Francisco auditions. He was here. He was alive and he was in the same room as her. She wanted to hug him but she knew it would be rebuffed which was why her jaw dropped the second he walked over to her, kissed her cheek and hugged her.

And that was the last time he'd approached her. When they were in the company of others they acted as if things were completely normal, like not a thing had happened. They were both laughing, smiling and bantering with one another in front of the cameras and the crew. She knew it was fake. It was all fake and it was breaking her heart. The second they broke for lunch Simon disappeared. Phone, cigarettes in hand he disappeared through the doors and out of sight until the end of lunch when he had to return.

She walked through the doors that Simon had just walked through. She'd asked Ryan to get her a salad for lunch and that she'd join them shortly after she'd tried to talk to Simon. She wasn't optimistic at her chances as she walked down the corridor and followed the smell of fresh cigarettes. That was the smell she now craved, at first she'd hated it. Hated the smell of cigarettes but since meeting Simon that had changed. She sighed as she spotted him sitting on a bench with his back to her out on one of the balconies high above civilisation.

She watched him tense the second she pushed on the door. He said nothing. It was almost total silence except for the sound of her heels as she pushed open the door and moved through out onto the balcony. She didn't know what to say. She knew she had to say something as she sat down next him. Words seemed to be failing her as they sat there side by side in silence.

"Simon I," she began slowly. She scolded herself at how she'd spoken to him. How her voice had come out all nervous as she addressed him, her body was failing her as she felt the tears threatening to come, threatening to fall from her eyes. "I…I'm sorry. I didn't mean the things I said. I didn't. And I know you don't believe me. I am a whore but it's not your fault." He still remained silent so she place a kiss on his cheek before she walked away totally defeated at his response or lack there of.

Paula never appeared to eat the lunch that Ryan had bought for her at her request. It now lay rotting in a bin uneaten and unwanted. Instead she spent the lunch hour hiding in a bathroom stall as she sobbed, as her heart had ached and burned painfully in her chest at how things had played out between her and Simon. He was so angry and hurt at her rejection of him and now he was punishing her with silence because he too couldn't find the words to say.

They did what they had to do. They hugged, kissed, bantered as they played things up for the cameras as the auditions continued in Vegas without a lot of trouble. There was of course some trouble and that came in the form of contestant Ryan Hart who with his rendition of something 'original' as he dubbed it only served to worsen Simon's mood by his dreadful performance and totally ignorant and disrespectful attitude. Thankfully he was one of the last contestants on day one because if he'd been one of the first contestants through the day could have ended a lot differently.

She resisted the urge to turn to him and scream angrily at him when he wrapped his arm around her waist as they stood after the final audition and made their way through the hallways and down the stairs to the limo which was waiting to take the four of them back to the hotel. Luckily she managed to bag a seat next to Ryan as Simon had to take a phone call just as he was about to get in the limo. The limo was spent in mostly silence except for Simon's phone call. They'd guessed he was talking to London but nothing else.

She couldn't sleep. She wasn't tired and her mind was going a mile a minute it was racing and she knew exactly why; Simon. Simon Philip Cowell was the cause of this and he was going to fix It whether he liked it or not. She suddenly felt a rush of confidence and adrenaline as she thought those words and clambered out of bed. She wasn't going to lose him. She was going to force him to talk to her whether he liked it or not.

She thanked her lucky stars as she crossed the room to the door which connected their rooms. She knew he'd be sleeping so it didn't surprise her one bit when she entered his room and saw him sleeping in the bed. She almost reconsidered waking him when she saw how peaceful and angelic he looked as he slept. She stifled a laugh as he let out a slight snore in his sleep. The laugh brought her back to the here and now. To what she had to do. To what she'd come to do.

She knew he slept nude and tonight was no exception as she peaked under the cover and got a good look before removing her own clothing and climbing into bed with him. She needed to feel his skin against her. He didn't stir as she lay her body down on top of his like a blanket; her chest against his.

She did the one thing she knew would wake him up. She pulled on his nose. And it worked his eyes jolted open to see her straddling his naked body, her elbows propping up her naked body so that she could stare dead him in the eye.

He opened his mouth to speak when her sudden sobs silenced him. Her elbows fell from beneath her as she began to sob. She buried her face in his chest as his arm came around her, holding her to him tightly. "I'm sorry," he whispered. The pain and anger he'd felt now fell away only to be replaced with feelings of guilt as he held his sobbing Poodle in his arms. Now all he wanted to do was cure her of her pain.

It ached him to know he was the cause of her pain. What had happened between thme shouldn't have happened but it did happen and he didn't regret it at all. She wasn't a whore. She would never, ever be a whore despite those heinous and totally unforgivable words leaving his lips in a moment of anger and regret. Words he'd never meant. "Your not a whore. To me your are perfect and whore doesn't fit into that definition. I'm a prick."

"I know," she whispered before she let out a little giggle at his words. Her sobs ceasing as his words penetrated her consciousness. She knew he hadn't meant the things he said to her just before he left, slamming the door hard behind him. To hear him apologise seemed to heal her pain, she knew he was sorry and he knew she was sorry. Both were sorry and both were hurt by the other.

His lips came down softly on hers as he kissed her in the night. The moonlight illuminating her beautiful tear-stained features to him as the guilt flew through his body leaving him in utter turmoil. He kissed her once more softly before he pulled away from her and softly moved her off of him so that he could sit up, his legs swung over the edge of the bed as the guilt ravaged him.

"Si," she whispered, her small body moved closer to his. She positioned herself behind him, her legs on either side of his as she wrapped her arms around his waist, her cheek resting against his back. "What's wrong? Talk to me. Please," she whispered once more.

"I can't do this anymore," he replied in a small, pitiful voice. A voice which sounded so broken and so defeated. One she'd never heard from him before. One which shook her to her inner most core.

"Can't do what?" she asked confused. What couldn't he do anymore that would make him answer her in a voice which frightened her.

"Hurt you anymore. I can't. I just cant," he whispered softly as he looked up at the moon. "All I do is hurt you and I don't want to be that person anymore. I cheated on my girlfriend and called you a whore. Something I've been raised not to do and to insult my dad I did it anyway," his voice trembled as he spoke of his dad. "I need to stay away from you off camera. And that way I won't hurt you anymore. Can you go now? Please," he added quietly.

"No!" She replied. Her tone certain and strong as she spoke. She couldn't believe the words he'd just said. She just couldn't. And she could not be around him anymore? No she couldn't. That would hurt her more than his presence ever would. "Listen to me and listen to me very, very carefully. You, Simon Philip Cowell made a mistake as did I. Yes you may have been raised to do good things but you just like the rest of us are only human and we make mistakes. I mean, look at some of the mistakes I've made: I married a man who used me as a punch bag." she stopped as she felt Simon tensing in front of her. Whenever she'd mentioned that part of her life rarely he'd always gotten so angry and upset to the point where he wanted to seek Brad out. "Your reaction at Brad tells me something important: You are such a special, special person to me. You'd never, ever lay a hand on me and I love you for that. I love that you'd go to the ends of the earth just to help me Simon. I can't bare to not have you in my life. I just can't. Yes you can say hurtful things and yes sometimes they hurt but I know you don't mean them. Just like I knew that you didn't mean it when you called me a whore. I need you in my life and I refuse to let you walk away. All that time I was away from after what happened it felt like I was dying inside and I knew you were the only person who could cure me."

"I love you too," he whispered.

The End.